Rather than Resenting: Ch. 9

A Brief Discussion

Notes:

The beginning chapter notes are...that there really are no chapter notes. Oh, except Artham and/or Arundelle's presence right now. And Asteria! I've been meaning to mention this, but she's at school. Evnia and Elquinn will be starting actually going to school soon as well^^

In terms of Artham and Arundelle, the former is taking care of something Janner should've taken care of but didn't and that's perfectly understandable, while Arundelle is accompanying him because why not?

So I guess there were chapter notes 😅😂

*****

Spiderwebs of panic and fear were beginning to wrap themselves around the edges of Janner’s sleeping mind that was slowly rising out of the dark nothingness that had persisted before and into a haunted world of nightmares.

Terror trembled through him once, twice, and then he felt a hand on his shoulder that shook him gently, then the softly whispered words, “Rise and shine, sleepyhead,” that made him come back to reality. Reality was not a wonderful thing to come back to, as he became aware of all the problems surrounding every single aspect of his life and the headache whatever Sara had given him decided to leave in its wake. 

He tried forcing his eyes open, but they still felt too heavy, so instead he whispered, “Good morning, or afternoon.”

“Afternoon,” she replied, then kissed his cheek tenderly. “Once you feel like opening your eyes and sitting up, I have some water for you. It might help with the headache.”

Janner opened his eyes a slit. “And is there any sleeping medication in said water?”

Sara giggled, and through the little crack he saw her toss her head in that lovely way she did. “No, I promise. It’s just normal water.”

“Mhm,” he replied, but he could feel a grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. 

He waited a minute before sitting up, trying to see how much of the fogginess in his mind was because of whatever Sara had given him or if it was simply a result of not sleeping for an entire night and then taking a drugged nap to make up for it. Quickly settling for the latter option, in one motion he forced himself to sit up and swung his legs to the floor, though he regretted it shortly afterward.

“Janner!” Sara said crossly. 

Blinking his eyes open the rest of the way, he looked into her diamond blue eyes and whispered a quiet, “I’m sorry.” Admittedly he did feel guilty for upsetting her, but he figured the headache that decided to throb more persistently than it had been before he moved so abruptly was payment enough.

She sighed and shook her head, but she still handed him the glass of water. He sniffed it suspiciously, mainly for teasing purposes, before drinking it. “You will be sleeping tonight,” she stated emphatically as though there was no other option.

Janner swallowed before answering her. “I’ll do my best.” In that particular moment he had neither the energy nor motivation to disagree with her, but even if he had been able to, he wouldn’t have disagreed with her. He was torn between his longing to fall asleep again and his reluctance to because of the nightmares that would encroach upon what was supposed to be a restful time.

“Yes, you will,” she said firmly, eyeing him. Cerlon fussed a little bit, and she instinctively stroked his face with the softest possible touch of her finger. “And ‘your best’ in terms of taking care of yourself going to start with us talking about what happened this morning.”

Janner sucked in a breath of air out of fear at the thought of it, but it had been the unfortunate moment when there was a sip of water in his mouth, and he began choking. The terror that flitted over Sara’s face when she heard him cough was palpable, and despite all the unpleasant thoughts and bitterness that surrounded the situation, he pushed them aside and focused on the one that had scared Sara the most. 

“Dearest,” he whispered, cupping her cheek in his hand and doing his best to not cough again. “It’s alright. It’s going to be alright. Everything is. Eventually, everything will be alright.” Somehow.

Her eyes brimmed with tears. “How can you say that? How can anyone say that? How can you even think it? You say that, yet you’re falling apart from the inside-out because you refuse to speak to anyone about anything.” Her words took on a hint of anger now, and even though she broke his heart with the words she spoke (even though they were completely true) he didn’t mind. He was perfectly willing to listen as long as he could, and then he would speak, just a little bit. He had promised, after all. “Or maybe that’s the reason why you haven’t said anything: because you think that if you deny reality for long enough, that denial will become the truth. But deep down, you know. You know as well as I do what’s going to happen.” 

Tears were rolling down her cheeks down, and Janner pulled her into as close of an embrace as he could while she still held Cerlon. “I know what could happen,” he said quietly. “It almost happened this morning. But each day he’s still with us is another, isn’t it? Isn’t it one more the Maker has blessed us with, even though He by no means has any reason to.”

The silent tears continued to fall, and he began rocking her a bit now, back and forth, her head resting on his shoulder. They didn’t speak for a while, instead choosing to sit there quietly, thinking about the Maker, thinking about His Plans, thinking about their family, thinking about Cerlon, thinking about how long it had been since they had sat together like that.

They sat for so long that Janner felt his eyelids growing heavy and nearly drifted off to sleep. Hearing Sara’s voice chased all thoughts of sleep from his mind, though.

She  whispered, her words trembling a little, “You were so brave this morning.”

The shock of hearing such a thing come from her lips shook him awake. Janner resisted the urge to laugh harshly, knowing how counter her statement was to the truth, but not wanting to invalidate her words and hurt her. “I was terrified, though,” he replied instead, closing his eyes in grief (and exhaustion) as he remembered. The memory sent another dull, showering ache through his mind, and he wondered how long it would be before it decided to go away.

She hummed a little and he opened his eyes, glancing down at her, only to see her smiling up at him. “Well, who wouldn’t be?”

He shook his head gingerly. “I should have stayed with you,” he murmured. “I should have stayed to make sure you and Cerlon and Evnia and Elquinn were alright, but I didn’t.”

“Oh, Janner,” she whispered fondly, her eyes filled with a mixture of love and sadness. “You helped Cerlon live for another day, and that’s all that matters. You looked positively sick and absolutely horrified as you did so and with the strain of that and not sleeping plus not telling anyone anything, who can blame you? I can’t, and if I could, I wouldn’t. Besides, you came back and checked on us as soon as you were able. Nobody faults you.”

Janner’s response was silence, not really agreeing or disagreeing with her.

“I want to start doing this more often,” she said slowly. “We didn't talk about much, but it was something, and something is far better than nothing. We need to talk about this together. Every day. And that means you talking as well. You've listened to me a lot over these past few months, and I haven't exactly returned the favor. Not that it's entirely my fault,” she smiled at him playfully. “But either way, it hasn't happened. Now it's going to, alright?"

Janner’s stomach clenched at the thought and his head throbbed and tiredness refused to leave the edges of his mind, but he replied, “Alright, we will.” With his promise to Artham about eventually speaking to him about the mess roiling inside of him and the now-standard daily talks with Sara, his secret was bound to come out soon.

He didn’t think he was ready for that yet, but it seemed inevitable.

*****

“Kalmar!” he called out to his brother, who was covered from head to toe with powdery white snow, as was Evnia, who was giving him a snow crown. Elquinn was standing off to the side with Galya, clearly trying to avoid his uncle’s fate. 

Janner shivered at the sight of it, despite the warm cloak he had donned before stepping out of the castle. Sara had told him that Kalmar had wanted him so they could speak with Greston, and he had complied somewhat unwillingly. He hadn’t really wanted to, especially since his headache persisted and he by no means felt awake enough, but the cold air was more likely to persuade both to leave or at least disappear temporarily than anything else would. Other than more sleep, but that wasn't exactly an option and might not end well anyway.

Kal spun around and on spotting him, waved exaggeratedly. He crouched down to speak to Evnia, called out to Galya, “We’ll be gone a little while!” and came dashing over, running in that slightly-off-balance way he had decided was most effective after losing his arm.

Janner did his best to push that thought aside, though, and even had a smile plastered on his face when Kalmar skidded to a halt next to him. 

“You ready?” Janner asked his brother as they began walking towards the more-private of the Annieran docks situated near Castle Rysen. Since there weren’t all that many Skreeans coming, and those who were already knew the Wingfeathers well, it was simpler to have them come into the private port rather than the public one that would be bustling with activity. The Hollowsfolk would be using the public port, since so many of them were coming to the Ball, but they wouldn’t arrive until the evening before or day of.

“Ready for what?” Kalmar asked him quizzically. Then a look of horror appeared on his face. “Oh, please, merciful Throne Warden, don’t exact your vengeance on me!” For dramatic effect, he fell to his knees and clenched his fist, holding it against his heart.

Janner stared at him in confusion and raised an eyebrow. He didn’t have the energy to figure out what game his younger brother was playing now. “Kalmar, what in Aerwiar are you doing?”

“Begging for your mercy,” he replied evenly. “You refuse to get mad at Sara over anything, so we figured you would take out your anger over being drugged on me since I’m the most obvious choice.”

Rolling his eyes, Janner batted the ridiculous idea away with his hand. “Well I’m not mad at anyone. So would you stop paying homage to me?!”

Kalmar jumped up deftly, resembling a sprouting bean very effectively, if beans were covered in snow, that is. “So if you’re not threatening me, what am I getting ready for?”

Janner shook his head, wincing a little. “The Skreean ship. By the time we finish speaking with Greston, they’ll likely be docking.” If he looked in the correct direction and squinted, he could see the tiny spot of what was probably the Enramere holding Maraly, Gammon, and a number of others. “The wind is in their favor right now.”

“Ohhhh,” Kalmar said after a moment. “Well now I’m ready. Time for tackleball in the snow!”

“Don’t forget, there are more important things going on right now than your tackleball game with Maraly,” Janner chastised gently.

“Fine.” Kalmar began pretend-pouting at the words. “But how’s your speech coming?”

Brittley, he stated, “It’s coming,” and Kal continued to chat about tackle ball and strategies and new things he had learned while Janner thought about and panicked over the speech he had yet to write. 

What could his message be, “Depend on the Maker for everything, even when things get hard. It will be painful, but in the end beauty will shine forth”? As true as it was, he didn’t think he could write something like that, not now. Maybe next year, but not now. Could he honor Kalmar and make him the center of attention in some way that was as of that moment unknown to him? As much fun as it sounded, Janner wasn’t certain if he was mentally capable of doing something like that. 

He wasn’t even sure if he could give a speech or stand the thought of a ball honoring him, not when he had anger and grief hiding inside him. Anything he said to the people would be a lie. How hypocritical would that be?

*****

Notes:

I have no idea whether this chapter is realistic or not. I don't know if Janner's mindset in the first portion is too...not like he's been acting in this story or if it's unrealistic because he only got four hours of sleep, medically induced sleep at that. Personally, I think he would be nice to Sara whatever mindset he's in, and that especially if he wasn't in the greatest mindset, he would make an extra effort with her.

But if you don't think this chapter is logical let me know, and I'll fix it^^