Rather than Resenting: Ch. 23

Not Everything Remains a Secret

Notes:

This chapter exists because @Andreajoy4jesus asked whether or not anyone would notice Janner and Sara acting a bit strangely in between the time when he tells her what he's going to do and when he actually does it. I decided it was actually a very logical thing to consider, so I wrote this last night and revised it today^^

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“Mommy, when will Daddy be done with the meetings today?” Sara sighed and pressed two fingers into her temple. It was the fifth time in the past half hour Evnia had asked her that question, and it was starting to get frustrating. “I don't know,” she replied simply. “He was supposed to finish up with the last of them a little while ago, but I guess it ran long.”

There was a small part of her mind that buzzed with worry, though. What if Janner had found the perfect opportunity and chosen to meld with Amrah earlier than he had planned to? What if he had done it without asking her first? What if he was already gone and—

“Mommy, you're not listening!” Evnia grabbed her forearm.

“I'm sorry, darling,” Sara whispered. “What is it?

Evnia smiled at her sweetly. “Will you play Queen and Princess with me? You can stay sitting with Cerlon if you want!”

“I'd love to,” she replied charmingly in the voice Evnia called, her “Queen Voice.” “Do you think Elquinn will want to play? He could pretend to be a prince”

Evnia turned around to look at him, and Sara followed her eyes. Elquinn was sitting on the floor, contentedly reading a book that from the distance looked as though the skill level for reading it was far above what he should have been able to understand. Sara did not have any extra time to ponder that, though, because Evnia interrupted her thoughts rather loudly.

“I don't think he wants to. He's happy reading. He'll be mad if I ask him.”

Sara considered this and noted the truth in her daughter's statement. She was still weighing whether the consequences of asking or not asking Elquinn were worth the risks of asking or not asking when Evnia declared that the game had started.

It was really a fairly simple game. Evnia would strut around the room “acting” like a princess (Sara has tried to explain that Laylynne was an actual princess and she did little to no strutting, but the point was lost on Evnia), telling the toys what to do, building “homes” with blocks and whatnot, and she would occasionally come to Sara for “Queen Approval” on things she did not have the authority to order on her own, like imprison- and banishments for toys or no-school days. Sara was honestly very pleased with herself that she had convinced Evnia that she was the only one who could issue a no-school day. Of course, there were some things she had had to explain to Evnia that she was unwilling to enforce, like allowing her to control Elquinn and tell him to stop reading, or stop being "unfun," or stop running away from her when she tried to pounce him.

One of the reasons Sara loved the game was because it gave her time to think or do whatever needed to be done. Not only that, but when she had been pregnant with Cerlon, it had been one of the few games she could manage consistently, and Evnia had craved the time. 

Now, though, when Evnia asked her to play “Queen and Princess,” she used the time to continue taking care of Cerlon as he needed. And on that day, she was both taking care of Cerlon and thinking very deeply about what Janner had told two days earlier: that he was going to meld with Amrah.

The truth was that she was terrified. She knew not all meldings ended in death, but some of them did. Sure, she had heard about melds with bats, where the bats lasted several melds before being completely drained. But she had also heard about the melds with wolves, where the wolf sometimes lasted only one meld. Janner had no idea what would happen when he melded with Amrah! Maybe it would all be fine and it would be like a meld with a bat and he came out of it reasonably fine, or maybe it would be like a meld with a wolf without the strength to survive! 

"Can I have permission to banish Lolo?" Evnia asked, jerking her out of her thoughts.

Sara glanced at Lolo, and innocent-looking stuffed gunkee. "What did Lolo do wrong?"

"He ripped the pages out of his brother's favorite book!" Evnia exclaimed furiously, apparently believing that to be a crime (which, it certainly was not very nice. Sara was glad she at least respected Elquinn's love of reading).

Sara pretended to consider that carefully. "Perhaps you should only put him in time-out," she suggested. "Just so he learns his lesson."

Evnia sighed but listened anyway, because she knew better than to try and counter anything the "Queen" said. She was at work tying Lolo to a chair leg with a ribbon just a moment later, and Sara's mind wandered back to Janner and the holoré and her fears.

There was the horrifying chance that melding would kill him immediately, and that was what had happened thirteen years before. But remember, she urged herself to recall, though in her heart she knew it didn't do much good in terms of assuaging her fears. That was a different stone, a huge one. And it was a meld with multitudes! Amrah is one person. It won't be as draining, surely it won't be.

She sighed. Dwelling on either thought did no good. She desperately wanted to talk to someone about it, but Janner likely didn't want her to tell anyone because he was worried they would try and stop him. 

He's probably right, she mused, watching Evnia govern between a few toys that were apparently having an argument. I mean, I want to stop him even though I know the Maker told him to.

There was a small part of her that wanted to see what Kalmar would do if he found out. He would be absolutely furious, that was for certain. It was likely he'd try locking Janner in his room and hiding the holoré somewhere no one would ever find it. She wondered, though, if he would consider the fact that it was the Maker's command. 

However, that small part did not matter, because Janner had asked her not to tell anyone. At all. Definitely not Kalmar. Oh, but she wanted to talk to someone about it so badly!

“Sara?”

Sara nearly jumped in her seat at the sound of Nia’s voice. 

“Oh, dear, I'm sorry, I startled you.” Nia sounded genuinely apologetic. 

Sara forced herself to smile and focus on something other than Nia's face, because if she did, there was a very good chance she would blurt everything out all at once. Instead she looked at the traces of flour on Nia's dress that must have managed to wriggle underneath her apron when she had been baking. “It's alright. And there's nothing to apologize for.” She wasn't quite certain what to say next, since everything she wanted to say pertained to secret-spilling. Instead she remained silent and continued watching Evnia.

“What's wrong?” Nia asked quietly after apparently observing her for several minutes.

Sara struggled to keep from saying anything and instead looked down at Cerlon, staring at his sweet, little nose. “Nothing that's not normal. Everything normal is wrong.” She winced inwardly as soon as she heard the words. Not only did they sound like jibberish, but they also clearly pointed to the state of something being very wrong. That was the opposite of what she had intended.

Nia raised her eyebrows in suspicion. “‘Everything normal is wrong’?” She repeated, turning it into a question. “Did you mean, ‘everything is wrong,’ or ‘nothing is wrong’?”

Sara sighed, fidgeting. Then she gave up with trying to hide anything. “Both, I guess.”

Looking at her sternly, Nia pursed her lips. “Sara, I think we need to talk about something very important, don't you?”

After receiving a nod that was more of a reluctant one than one conveying true admittance, Nia ushered her into her private quarters. They were smaller than anyone else's, but she was only one person and preferred it that way. 

“Both of you be good while your Mommy and I are in here, alright?” Sara guessed Nia received two nods, because she continued. “And if either of you listens at the door,” there was a pause, most likely one in which Nia stared very hard at Evnia. “I will know.”

She shut the door after that, and Sara couldn't help but smile. Nia knowing was somehow enough of a threat, and her knowledge was by no means a bluff. She truly would know if one of the children was listening at the door, and she would stop the conversation, walk over to the door, throw it open, and somehow convince the listener with only the power of her eyes that she was incredibly serious.

"Do you want to lay Elquinn in the crib while we talk or would you rather keep holding him?" Nia offered.

Sara glanced at the crib situated on the other side of the footboard of Nia's bed. She always had a crib or a cot there when she had young grandchildren (or just young children around, for that matter) in case she needed to babysit. She had started doing it when Asteria had been born and had nearly always kept both in her room since.

She shook her head though. For the moment, at least, she preferred Cerlon's closeness and comfort for simply being there to anything else. "Thank you, but I'm fine."

“Alright, then. Now, Sara,” Nia said gently, her dark eyes soft. “What is hurting you?”

Sara found herself hesitating. “Janner doesn't want anyone to know,” she said slowly, hoping (but doubting) that it would be enough to deter Nia’s questions.

As she suspected, though, it only made Nia more curious. “Know what?” she asked.

Pursing her lips, Sara tried to decide if she would be going against Janner's wishes by telling his mother that he was about to do something that was potentially life-threatening. Of course, I don't think he actually said I couldn't tell anyone, she noted. That decided, Sara guessed it wouldn't be completely counter to his wishes if she told Nia, as long as she begged for discretion. “If I tell you, please don't say anything to anyone about it, especially Janner.”

Nia considered it, and then agreed. “I suppose. At least, I'll do my best. If a life happens to be at stake, I'll change my mind."

Sara figured that was the best and most reasonable answer she was going to get, even if it wasn't exactly what she wanted. There was a very good chance Nia would consider melding to be a life at stake, in which case something dreadful might come of spilling the secret. But she had come that far already and couldn't exactly back out of it.

She took a breath and did her best to explain what Janner had told her about everything and about his plan to meld with Amrah and the true reason and command behind all of it. Her explanation was more haphazard than her explanations usually were, and throughout it she had seen Nia go from confused to horrified to grieved to understanding back to confused and horrified and all of it all over again.

“But what if he dies?” was her terrified whisper of a response.

Sara shook her head and shifted Cerlon in her arms to remind her that he was there even when he was sleeping. “I don't know,” she said simply, because the truth was that she had no idea what she would do. 

Nia got up and began pacing the room, her lips moving all the while. Sara watched her, unsure if hugging her right then was appropriate or if she needed to let her think first.

“And you're absolutely certain he said the Maker told him to do it?” Nia asked after a minute, her voice trembling.

Sara nodded. “He said he prayed and asked the Maker to give him a sign so he would know Amrah was truly repentant, and that afterward He would give him instructions on what to do next.”

Shaking her head, Nia looked away for a brief moment before turned to her again. “And there's no way the holoré isn't the answer,” she whispered, completely, utterly, and heartbreakingly certain. “Oh, Maker, she said softly, her eyes now closed in prayer. “Please, I have no idea what to do right now. I want to go to Janner and shake a good deal of sense into him, but if this is Your instruction it will do no good.” 

Something in Sara's heart told her she was in that moment privy to something almost sacred, something she would not have been allowed to hear if the circumstances were any different. She was hearing one of Nia's desperate cries for help. 

As tears began rolling down Nia’s cheeks, Sara had the desperate urge to lay Cerlon down in the crib and wrap her arms around her adoptive mother. 

“Maker, help me believe this is You. Please.” Nia's voice broke on those words and she buried her face in her hands, a sob escaping from her throat. 

Deciding that was as good a cue as any, Sara placed Cerlon in his crib, checked for a split second to make sure he wasn't fussing, and rushed toward Nia, hugging her tightly. “Mama, I promise, it'll be alright,” she whispered, feeling a little strange that she was the comforter in that moment. But at the same time, it felt right. 

“I'm sorry,” Nia whispered, but she wasn’t resisting. “I'm so, so sorry. I shouldn't—”

“You watched it happen once already,” Sara retorted. “Maybe you didn't know that was what would happen, but you were there! No mother should go through that. Of course you're terrified that will be the outcome.”

Nia shook her head. “That may be true, but I shouldn’t burden you with anything. You have yourself, your children to think about. And besides, it’s only one meld. It might not even…end the way we, or at least  I’m scared it will.”

Sara gave her a small half-smile. “I'm scared of that too. Can we be scared together? But,” she hesitated for a moment. “Maybe without telling him not to do it.”

As Nia responded with another shake of her head, Sara felt a tremor of fear in her heart. Was she going to insist on telling Janner not to do it? “I just wish…” her voice trailed off and it was another minute before she spoke again. “No, I suppose I don’t wish he had told me. I would have told him, ‘no’ in the immediate, I’m certain of it.”

Furrowing her brow in concern, Sara risked pushing just one more question. “Are you going to tell him not to do it?”

There was more silence. “No,” Nia finally said. “I won’t. The Maker knows how much I want to tell him not to and even lock him in a room if necessary, but I can’t do that. Janner may be my son, but he is also the Maker’s child just as you and I are His children. And the Maker’s authority will trump my hopes and desires every time.” There was a note of sad acceptance in her voice and her eyes took on a faraway look, as though she truly was remembering all those times.

“Thank you,” Sara whispered after a while. “And if I’m being totally honest, I don’t think it will end in death. I’m just scared it will.”

“As am I,” Nia replied faintly, but her voice and surety was stronger with the next words. “But it’s all in His Hands, just as it always is.

*****

Notes:

I'm trying to think of notes...oh, the story is now going to be about 30 chapters 😅

Let me know if it seemed wonky...it feels wonky to me....