Rather than Resenting: Ch. 5

On Handling Loss

Notes:

Honestly this chapter title would've been better for the previous chapter. The title should really be...yk, I have no idea. I'm drawing a blank right now. I'll probably make that switch on AO3 or something (or maybe I won't). But there's advice on it in both chapters^^

*****

Almost in the same moment that Janner, Kalmar, and Artham finished discussing all that had happened in the meeting that had unfortunately been rather important and would take some time to catch up on in regards to all the paperwork, the sound of many pattering feet began making its way toward them. It stopped briefly with the sound of a faint (from that distance at least) admonishment of, “Don’t forget to get out of your snowy clothes!” and the subsequent pattering of feet moving back the way they had come. 

Janner smiled in spite of  everything that was roiling inside of his mind and in his heart, then stood and went to the library’s entryway. He would be able to see the small children who were approaching better from there, and he wanted to greet his children properly, with a smile on his face, with laughter in his voice, and with a spin through the air for Evnia and at least an expression of affection for Elquinn. He likely would not enjoy being spun through the air. 

After a minute or so in which he heard the murmurs of adult voices mingled with the joyous chirps of children insisting on taking off their snow-day-play-clothes on their own, they appeared, Evnia nearly bouncing with happiness as she walked, her strawberry-blonde curls bounding with her and her light-green eyes flashing with joy, and Elquinn following, more subtly, more collectedly, more quietly. To Janner, though, it was obvious that Elquinn was just as happy to see him as Evnia was. 

“Daddy!” Evnia shrieked with delight, obviously wanting so badly to move faster, but reluctant to leave Elquinn behind. She waved at him excitedly and, laughing, Janner waved back. 

“You have quite the following there, don’t you? Personally, I’m going to slip around them and greet Arundelle and Asteria.” Artham, who had come closer to observe the tiny train of children, said and afterwards proceeded to carry out his plan. 

Janner observed him curiously, wondering how he was planning on getting around the twins, then began laughing as his uncle darted up the stairs and down the hall, likely planning on jumping out of a window to get back down to his wife and daughter.  

Turning his gaze back to Evnia, he noticed that she had grabbed hold of Elquinn’s hand (he was doing his best to get away), and wanting to make neither of them wait any longer, cleared the distance between them in a few strides and picked her up, swinging her in a circle above his head. She giggled and squealed until he put her down, and he crouched down to the twins’ eye level seconds later. 

“Did you enjoy the snow?” he asked both of them pleasantly, though it was obvious that Evnia had by the way her face seemed to be permanently stuck in the shape of a grin. Elquinn seemed just slightly less than enthralled.

She nodded quickly. “But Elquinn didn’t want to make snowballs,” she said, just a little dejectedly. Elquinn clasped his hands behind his back and looked at his shoes.

Janner smiled at his blond-haired son and gently placed his fingers underneath his chin and raised his head up. Elquinn’s blue eyes were already darting around, trying to come up with a good answer. 

“Why didn’t you want to?” He asked gently. “And if it’s because they’re cold and wet, I know exactly what you mean.”

Elquinn appeared relieved when he had offered the answer he had been looking for and nodded. “And Evnia makes them too cold,” he elaborated. 

Kalmar burst out laughing at those words. “Sounds like us, doesn’t it, Janner?” he asked, raising his eyebrows and grinning broadly. “Except I was the one nailing you with snowballs and you were the one who couldn’t stand it. 

“Your daddy,” he continued, crouching down next to Janner. “Couldn’t stand it because I always won and he always ended up with snow all inside his clothes. And he would squeal like a mad cat and come after me, but unlike a mad cat he couldn’t catch up to me.” Kalmar shoved his shoulder a bit, and Janner responded by simply shaking his head and rolling his eyes. Likely Evnia and Elquinn had not actually understood Kalmar’s story — he still needed to work on speaking to young children in words they would understand — but they had appeared enraptured just the same.

Elquinn observed him very seriously after hearing the tale and asked, “Daddy, you were really little?” 

Janner smiled and laid a hand on his son's shoulder. “Yes, Elquinn; I was. And I didn't really like snow, either. Uncle Kal made them too cold.”

“Daddy, can we see Mommy and Cerlon?” Evnia grabbed his arm and began bouncing excitedly. 

Smiling at her and sincerely hoping it didn't look as bitter as it felt, Janner nodded. “Sure. Kal, why don't you go greet Galya and Laylynne? Someone is going to have your head if you don't get over there.”

Kalmar chuckled nervously. “Yeah, that or my other arm. See ya!” He left quickly, too quickly for him to understand the gravity of what he had just said.

It wasn't until Janner felt a tug on his sleeve that he shook himself from the brief fury that had roiled inside of him, the fury that was the spawn of the bitterness he still couldn't shake, not even six years later. And the stress of the current situation with Sara wasn't helping.

“Daddy,” Elquinn said quietly. “Will you please take us?”

Forcing a smile onto his face, Janner nodded. “Let's go.”

*****

He hesitated before rapping his knuckles on the door, then followed through when Evnia began swinging his arm every-which-way.

A pleasant, “Come in,” greeted them — Nia — and he turned the knob slowly, peeking his head in first just in case Sara wasn't ready for visitors. 

His heart broke when he saw her face, her eyes red as if she had been crying and the dark circles underneath them. She was clearly tired and it was a terrible time for anyone to be there, especially not two six-year-olds. Even if those six-year-olds were her children.

“I'm sorry,” he said hastily. “We can—”

He had intended to finish with, “come back later or tomorrow,” but before he could, Evnia had pushed the door open the rest of the way and ran inside. Janner's heart leapt into his throat as she rushed toward Sara and Cerlon, but she paused just before she reached the bed and stood as lightly as a kitten (well, a fidgety kitten). Elquinn had not followed her and stayed by Janner's side, shifting from one foot to the other silently.

Glancing at Sara, Janner saw that she was smiling, and even though she looked exhausted, even from that distance, she looked happy. He quelled the urge to take the twins elsewhere that bubbled up inside of him, and instead lead Elquinn inside. 

“Go see your Mommy and brother if you want to,” he said softly, a tremor on the edge of his voice. “Just…be gentle.”

Elquinn nodded, his blue eyes wide, and joined Evnia by Sara’s bedside. 

Janner remained distant, staying closer to Nia, who was sitting in the rocking chair near the fire. He could see from where he stood that Sara was showing Cerlon to both Evnia and Elquinn, and she was making sure both of them got a chance to stroke his fuzzy head carefully.

“There's no point in worrying, Janner,” Nia said with a sigh. “Your fears won't change the outcome of anything.”

Janner squeezed his eyes tightly shut. “I know.”

“Are you willing to talk to anyone about it?” She asked quietly. “Not necessarily Sara or me, but maybe Kalmar or Artham.”

Opening his eyes, Janner shook his head. “Not right now. Please, not right now.” He couldn't, he just couldn't. Then it would spiral out of control into a mess. Not only was he not ready to clean it up, but he didn't think anyone else would understand how to clean it up either.

The sound of quiet cooing — it seemed like Evnia was making baby noises — came from the bed, and Janner smiled a little in spite of his unpleasant thoughts.

Nia pursed her lips and looked at him seriously. “Janner, you need to hear this and it is very important. When you are already grieving and more pain and suffering is inevitable, you can't bottle it up inside. You can try all you want, but it's going to find some way to come out. After Anniera fell—” she paused, thinking. “Janner, I didn't really let that out until six years ago when Kalmar first…got back. And I think that was one of the worst mistakes of my entire life.”

Janner clenched his teeth at the memory of what had happened before that and the imagined image of what that must have been like for his mother. He couldn't let her see his frustration, though, because she would insist on talking about it, and he couldn't resist that, even though he wanted to.

Instead he shook his head in an effort to clear it and nodded curtly. “Right. I can hold out for a little longer, can't I?” He had meant for it to sound a bit light hearted, but instead it came out brittle and embittered, which only made Nia stare at him more earnestly. 

“Janner, please,” she begged. “Don't make the same mistakes I did.”

He looked away from her and instead focused on his family, Sara's tired, gentle smile, Evnia’s joyous vibrating, Elquinn’s awestruck stare, and Cerlon’s concerning quietness. If he told anyone the truth now, he had a feeling he might be too much of a mess to keep his family from falling apart when what he hated to think about came to pass.

Still, he knew he couldn't just say, "no" to Nia. "I'll try," he whispered instead before moving to stand by Sara's beside. She smiled up at him as soon as he appeared and offered Cerlon to him, Evnia and Elquinn still staring wide-eyed. Janner hesitated for a moment before accepting him, then held his youngest son gingerly as if he would break if the slightest mistake was made.

But maybe that had already happened.

*****

Notes:

I actually got really stuck on this chapter when I was writing it for...like, four days 😅 because the back and forth conversation and presence of tiny children was confusing to write. So please let me know if it feels choppy and needs some changes^^