Standing Steady in the Storms Ch. 18

Notes: No, it's not two, mostly because Ch. 19 is one of the longest chapters in this entire fic. So...I'll post that one this evening. I PROMISE. However, I can't guarentee it'll be approved this evening.

Anyway, thank you so much @Andreajoy4jesus and @Batwhacker of Ban Rona(Freedom Fighter) (Iggyfeather) (Cat Tamer) (Dragon Trainer) (author of Fantasy) (Squeeblin manager) (Pokemon Master) (JBQ Champ) (Math Hater) (Throne Warden) (The REAL Leeli) (Notification Queen) (Hatcher of 100 Pokemon Eggs)(ThWaP) for reading this! It means so much (and it's also the reason I started posting again, lol)

Burning Hot and Dying Fast

Kalmar’s eyes flickered nervously from the wall to the floor to the exit and then to the floor again. It seemed as though they bounced everywhere, avoiding Janner’s gaze at all costs. 

“W-Why do you ask?” Kal swallowed nervously. 

Janner could hear the thickness in his voice, and it scared him. “Because she was there in my dream,” he whispered, feeling a tremor that threatened to work its way into his voice. “Kal, she was too real. The storm was too real. The water was too real. I felt like I was living through something. So I need to know: was Sara on the ship with us?”

Kalmar dug his hand into the sand and lifted it up. Janner watched as each grain slipped away. “Please don’t make me answer that,” Kal looked up at him, tears in his blue eyes. His face was contorted in a look of such sorrow that Janner knew — he knew what the answer was. 

Janner looked at him and didn’t say anything. His mind was a tumult that he could barely comprehend, and he felt his head swimming. Janner leaned against the side of the cave and stared silently at the ceiling. 

Sara had been on the ship with them. She had sailed through the same storm that they had, the storm that had sent he and his brother hurtling off deck and into the ocean. Surely it would have done more to Sara? Janner knew the harsh realities of life: consequences were impartial. They didn’t care if you were a man or a woman or if you had family who loved you or a child who needed you. None of that mattered. 

Why were they even on the ship? Why had Janner let Sara come? She had been — Janner faltered, she was , she still had to be, she couldn’t be gone, could she? — eight months pregnant. There was no way he would have let her come aboard.

“Please, Kal, tell me that you’re joking,” Janner said with a mirthless laugh. There was a seed of anger in his heart, and it was ready to sprout.

“I’m not,” Kalmar murmured. 

The seed sent up a black, crooked shoot and a little red, twisted leaf. Janner squeezed his eyes shut tightly and felt his stomach clenched in an iron fist that would never let go. “Why were we out on the Sea?” he asked, just a hint of bitterness in his voice.

“Because of me," came the quiet, ashamed reply. 

Janner balled his hands into fists and allowed his mind to nurture that little plant. It grew taller and taller and became hungry for fuel. 

“Why did you do that!” He shouted at Kal, his eyes flashing in fury. “Why would you make us come out here in that boat? Kalmar, Sara got killed by that storm. My wife is dead and there’s no bringing her back. Not only is she gone, but our child is too. Kal, I have nothing.” Janner watched his brother shrink back in fear and guilt. He shook his head in disgust and left, going outside where maybe, just maybe he could think. His mind didn’t want to think, though. It wanted to seath and hate and destroy and spew. 

So when Kal came out, tears streaming down his face, saying: “Janner, please listen—”

“NO, KAL, I WILL NOT LISTEN!” Janner screamed, turning towards his brother so Kalmar could see the fury in his face. “How can you expect me to listen ? My wife and child are dead because of you — Kal, YOU killed them! You’re the reason they’re dead. And you couldn’t find time to tell me before now, huh, could you? Not any of the times I asked you, ‘Kal, what’s wrong? Can I help you?’ I guess I know why you broke down crying in the forest — because I mentioned Sara and you knew you killed her. Did you really think I wasn’t going to find out?” Janner smirked bitterly. “Did you really think we weren’t going to get to Anniera and then I was going to look for Sara and find out that she was gone? Tell me that?” He demanded, walking away from his brother to sit in the sand.

Brother, he didn’t even want to think about Kal being his brother right now. He wanted Kal to leave him alone, to go somewhere else, somewhere far away where Janner would never have to look at him or think about him ever again. 

“Janner, please,” Kal begged.

“WHAT DO YOU WANT?” Janner whipped his head around.

“Galya was on the ship, too!” Kal sobbed, hiding his face in his hands. 

Janner stared at him, not knowing what to think. His mind wasn’t thinking. He could feel that it wasn’t thinking, and it felt good in a dreadful, terrible way. “Then I guess you’re getting what you deserve,” he said venomously. “Just go away. Leave. I don’t want you anywhere near me.” Kal looked up at him in startled horror and took a step closer. Janner scrambled up from the sand and screamed, “LEAVE! NOW. Go away and never come back.”

Kalmar looked at him, pain and grief flooding into his eyes and face and ran off into the jungle, far, far away.

Janner stood there looking after him, hearing every rustle of every branch that Kal touched, breathing heavily. The hatred that thrived on his immediate fury burned vile and hot, but soon it died.

Then he collapsed into the sand, sobbing. 

Sara, his Sara, his lovely Sara with her sparkling blue eyes and joyous laughter and merry smile and beauty and understanding and comfort was gone. She was dead. All this time, he had pushed himself forward, knowing that Sara was waiting for him, Sara was longing for him, that his baby needed a father. Now that was all gone. It had been shattered in an instant. An instant that had happened weeks ago. Janner had been placing his hopes and dreams and strivings in someone who was dead. Someone whom he loved dearly, but she was gone. She wasn’t coming back. 

He felt his heart wrenched out of his body and thrown to the ground, trampled and picked apart by creatures with no consideration for anything or anyone. And in that horrible moment, Janner knew he deserved it. He deserved it more than anyone else in all of Aerwiar. He had thrown his hatred and fury onto his brother for something that he couldn’t control, all because he had been hurting. Kal had been hurting, too. Kal had been hurting for three whole weeks. He had kept it a secret that he had killed Sara, her baby, and Galya for three weeks. Why? Janner couldn’t understand it. Why hadn’t Kal told him? Had to been to protect him from his mind, because Kal knew this was what would happen?

“Maker, why,” Janner whispered, looking up at the stars. There was no answer. He felt the fury boiling in him again and raised his voice to the heavens screaming: “Maker, WHY did this happen? Why...just why ?,” Janner beat the sand with his fists and wept. “Please, Maker, stop. Stop the pain. Stop my pain. Maker, I can’t handle this. Why did You take Sara? Why did You take my child? Why did You let me pour out my anger on my brother? Maker, I’m supposed to protect him and care for him! I just sent him off into the woods a-and I don’t know what to do,” he whispered. 

Go. Find him. Find your brother. Rescue him now.

“But Maker,” Janner’s voice shook. “I can’t just—”

NOW!

He felt his spirit shift, and in his heart he knew the Maker had told him what he needed to do. So he would. He would listen and obey, even in his pain.

Janner turned back to the cave and grabbed his sword without thinking or saying another word. He had to find Kal. He had to tell him that he didn’t mean the words that he had said, that he loved him and that he didn’t blame him. 

He just didn’t know whether he could find his brother over the pounding of his heart and the screaming of his mind and the iron-like grip on his entire being that told him the love of his life was dead and gone and that he would see her no more.

Notes: *passes out tissues

Next chapter tonight because you are so eager^^