Notes:
I am so sorry I didn’t get this chapter out sooner. 1st real babysitting job last week+first couple of weeks of high school (I’m so glad I’m homeschooled bc of flexible schedule)+a missions group visiting from the US+a case of writers block+recovering from all of the above=the amount of time it took me to write this chapter.
Chapter 19-Restoration
Esben stared at his brother, swallowed hard, and waited. He held the gaze between them and was silent. He couldn’t tell what his brother was thinking or what he was feeling. Artham’s entire body was tense, and his jaw was clenched tightly. Esben’s heart sank when he saw his brother’s expression. Artham was breathing hard, and it was clear to Esben that Artham was struggling not to let whatever he was thinking register on his face.
It’s not going to work.
* * *
Artham clenched his fists so tightly he could feel his fingernails digging into his palms. The blur before his eyes was completely gone, replaced by such a painful, confused jumble of thoughts that he couldn’t say a word. His breath came faster and as he tried to say something, anything. Esben was looking him in the eyes, somehow not allowing Artham to tear his gaze away. Artham knew that too much time had passed, that he should have answered already, but the more seconds passed the more panicked he got, and it grew harder and harder to think straight. It seemed like his time was up, even though he didn’t know how long his frantic train of thought had lasted, because Esben finally broke the silence.
“Why are you acting like this?” Esben’s voice was steady again, weighed down by a strange combination of pleading and firmness.
“I’m so, so sorry-” Artham began, his voice strained from the effort it took to keep it from breaking, but Esben interrupted him, his determined expression softening a little.
“Why?” Esben demanded. Artham hesitated, finally breaking the gaze between him and his brother, his eyes flicking away from the steady gaze of his brother that made his hidden pain all too real.
“Es, I-I…”
“Tell me.” The frustration inside of Esben boiled up and his voice rose almost to a shout even though he tried not to let it. Artham looked up at him in a split second of surprise, causing Esben to wonder if raising his voice really was a bad idea in this situation or not. Artham closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
“Because I’ve never been more afraid.” A flash of surprise crossed Esben’s face.
“Artham, what-”
“You think I have forgotten them?” For the first time in a long time, Esben heard real anger in his brother’s voice, and it surprised him even more, but he kept silent as Artham continued, his voice laced with a terrible combination of pain and frustration.
“I could never forget. I really tried to. But I can’t. And now I know that I don’t want to. Their memories are all we have left of them. And trying to forget makes it hurt worse. Every single day I-I want nothing more than to have them back. And it hurts, Esben. I tried to hide it because-” Artham hesitated.
“Because I was hoping you weren’t hurting like I was. I didn’t want you to know.” He clenched his teeth, trying not to relive the past few weeks. He didn’t realize how much speaking his pain would mean feeling it again. The words were difficult to get out, weighing heavy on his heart, but once he had started, he realized that he wasn’t going to stop.
“And because I was afraid. I didn’t know how I was going to keep on without them, how I was going to be Throne Warden, how I was going to deal with the rest of my life!I-I was so angry, and I knew I wasn’t going to be able to handle being Throne Warden, and I never expected that sadness could actually go so far that it becomes a physical pain. And…and I really hate to say because I’ve wasted all this time trying to stop it, but it scared me, Es. Everything we know is spinning out of control. I-I thought the one thing I could still control was myself. And then all of those feelings kept growing and I couldn’t stop them! I didn’t want to be angry. I hated how it felt, and I hated that I couldn’t control what was going on inside me.”
Artham paused for a second because he could feel that if he kept talking his voice would break again. He could see Esben looking down, processing the most information he had gotten from his brother at one time since before the shipwreck. After a moment of silence, Esben looked up. Artham couldn’t tell if it was his own held back tears or if Esben’s eyes were shining too.
“What happened last night? Because you are talking about all of this like…like it’s over with. And why…why were you angry?” Now Artham was sure. Esben’s eyes were welling up, and an awful thought occurred to Artham.
“No! No, Es, don’t think that. I wasn’t angry at you. I wasn’t, I promise. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Artham could see the relief wash over Esben’s face, and with it another painful wave of guilt washed over him as he wondered how long his little brother had been feeling like that.
“Please don’t think that I was angry at you.” Artham felt his heart start to beat faster.
What is he going to think of me when I tell him? He asked himself.
“You are going to think I’m terrible for this.”
“No I won’t.”
“How do you know?”
“I will never think you are terrible for anything, no matter what,” Esben stated. Artham’s breath caught in his throat and he blinked furiously to keep back the blur that had returned full force. He wanted to say something to Esben that would express how incredibly relieved and grateful he felt when he heard that, and something that could somehow explain the warmth that grew in his heart at his brother’s words, but Esben hadn’t heard Artham’s answer yet. Besides, now that Artham had started to explain, he figured that his little brother would have very little tolerance for sidetracking from the topic. Artham had to wait a moment for the tightness in his chest to pass before he continued.
“I was angry at two people. I…I was angry at the Maker for letting them die,” Artham heaved a sigh and looked at his brother to see what he would say. Esben’s brows were furrowed, and he twisted the tuft of a paintbrush that he had picked up sometime during the conversation around with his fingers while he mulled over his brother’s statement. Artham started to worry that Esben wasn’t going to respond.
“Me too.” That was the last thing Artham expected his brother to say.
“Really?”
It’s like we’re taking turns being surprised. This is what happens when you don’t talk to someone, Artham thought.
“Yeah. That first night. It was all I could think of. Just, why? I think I came to some place of…I don’t know, resignation?” Esben stopped talking abruptly, curling his fingers together around the paintbrush.
“I didn’t get there until last night,” Artham said. “I guess I finally realized that I have to stop trying to be in control. The only person that’s still in control of anything in our life is Him.” Artham’s voice got quiet, and it seemed to Esben like he got the next few words out with difficulty.
“That’s why we have to trust that He cares, even when we don’t understand.”
Esben nodded, breathing shakily. Both brothers remained standing, too absorbed in their own thoughts to care about moving.
“Who else?”
“What?”
“Who else were you angry at?” Artham was silent for a long time, avoiding his brother’s eyes..
“I’m still angry at myself,” he finally said, his voice quiet and strained as he looked at Esben again. Esben’s gaze flicked up to meet his own and then glanced away.
“You shouldn’t be angry at yourself, Artham.”
“Why not?” Artham demanded, voice cracking. He didn’t wait for his brother to answer.
“I was wrong. I failed at everything I’m supposed to do as a Throne Warden, and I still don’t know how I’m going to do it. I let you deal with it all on your own. I made a huge mess of everything. I was being awful. And I know that you were angry at me too.” Esben glanced up in surprise again.
“How did you know?”
“You’re my brother, Esben. And let’s face it, I deserved it.”
“Well I’m your brother and I’m telling you that you need to stop being angry at yourself! I know you. When you think you did something wrong, or especially when you actually did do something wrong…you paint it way out of proportion in your mind and then you just stew on it. You’re just making everything worse.”
Artham sighed and nodded.
“I’m sorry, Esben. I’m so, so sorry. For everything.” The next thing Artham knew, his little brother was hugging him tight, and after a moment of surprise, Artham returned the embrace with everything in him.
“I know you didn’t mean to. Just please don’t do anything like that ever again,”
“I won’t. And I won’t leave you alone again, Es. I promise.” Esben was silent, but Artham could feel his brother nod, and he felt a couple of Esben’s hot tears drip onto his tunic as Esben hugged him tighter.
“Thank you, Es,” he choked out, and after a moment of silence, “You are going to be an amazing King,”Artham was unable to speak any louder than a whisper. Esben’s face lifted from Artham’s shoulder, and he stepped away from his brother’s arms.
“Are…are we okay now? Really?”
“Yeah. We are okay, for real this time. But next time I act that stupid, just slap me or something, alright, Es?” Artham said with a bit of shaky laughter.
“I’ll do that,” Esben said, and he was laughing too.
“Come, Artham,” he continued, smiling a real smile, a bright, hopeful, relieved smile as he looked into his older brother’s face. Artham’s eyes shone like the sea after a storm, peaceful for the first time in a long time. Esben took his brother’s hand and stepped toward the corner of his room where his many covered canvases stood on several easels.
“Come remember with me.”
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