Rather than Resenting: Ch. 26

An Attempt to Assuage Fears

Notes:

Another chapter I scrambled to write! It was written and not actually meant to be posted until tomorrow, but with the edits I made to pretty much everything yesterday and last night, this chapter got changed and moved and everything. So. Yeah. It's also shorter than I prefer my chapters and I'm sorry about that. It's tearfully sweet, though, if that helps at all^^

*****

“Are you going to spend the entire day working on getting things ready for the Ball?” Leeli demanded of Janner almost as soon as Artham had finished praying for the food at the breakfast table.

“Uhh, not the whole day. At least, I don’t think it’ll be the whole day.” He looked up and down the table, trying to figure out exactly where Kalmar was sitting. They were in the larger dining room since it was the only one that had a single table that would fit — Janner mentally counted how many people there were — twelve adults with a smaller table nearby for the four children. There were technically six children, including Cerlon and Asteria, but Cerlon was too little to sit at any table and was instead laying contentedly in a cloth sling Sara had tied, situating him in the front, and they had decided Asteria was mature enough to sit with the adults. 

He eventually found Kalmar hiding, though not purposely so, on the other side of Clout. Rather, he found Galya and assumed Kal was sitting across from her. “Kal, do you know if we’re supposed to be helping with anything today?”

“How would I know?” His brother's disembodied voice reached him, though it was half-way drowned out by the other chatter going on at various points of the table between Nia and Olumphia, Arundelle and Asteria, Artham and Clout, and Thorn and everybody. “You always look at the schedule and things. Does Uncle Artham know?”

Artham, who was easy to find because his wings made him rather obvious in pretty much any situation, answered quickly. “I do know, and I’m happy to inform you that the only thing you have to do today, Kalmar and Leeli, for that matter, is meet with Armulyn, the conductor, and the other musicians to go over the song list one more time.”

“Yes!” Leeli cheered, obviously thrilled at the prospect of getting to do such a thing. Kalmar looked as though he thought about groaning but decided against it since it was the only thing he would have to take care of before putting a forkful of roasted totato into his mouth. 

“Artham, you didn’t say anything about Janner needing to do anything,” Sara spoke up, and Janner had a feeling he knew why she asked that specific question. He noticed a glimmer of concern in her blue eyes and found her hand so he could squeeze it comfortingly. 

“As Retun Maha, the page of Gregor the Knight stated, ‘I read the schedule too!’ End quote.” Oskar adjusted his spectacles briefly before continuing. “Sara, dear, Janner does not have anything specifically assigned for him to take care of if I recall correctly. Though I was hoping to discuss a few books with him.” 

Janner was glad Oskar was sitting somewhat nearby — diagonal to him, on the left — because it meant he could see the twinkle in his old friend’s eyes. “I’d love to,” he responded agreeably. “After breakfast, if you like. As long as no one else needs me.” Thankfully, no one said anything, but Sara did squeeze his hand tighter.

“Wonderful!” Oskar exclaimed.

“Don’t worry, right after that, I’ll come wherever you are and we’ll spend the time together,” Janner whispered into Sara’s ear. “And with Evnia and Elquinn too, if we can manage to get her to sit still.” Playing outside or any manner of roughhousing was out of the question that day, since it was imperative that the bathing and hair curling (in the girls’ cases, at least) done the night before was not ruined with horseplay.

Sara nodded, but the sheen of worry did not leave her eyes.

*****

“Elquinn says he needs to speak with you,” were the first words out of Sara’s mouth when Janner got back upstairs after his book analysis with Oskar.

Furrowing his brow, he cocked his head as if that would help him figure out what Elquinn wanted to speak to him about. He supposed it might be something regarding the Ball or how to dance properly if the opportunity or necessity arose. “Where is he?”

“He’s in his room. I think Evnia is trying to play with him, but I doubt she’s been successful.”

Janner had begun walking toward the room but paused at Sara’s words. “Wait, why don’t you think she’s been successful?”

Sara shrugged. “He’s seemed unsettled since last night. I’m…worried he overheard something I said with you or…” she trailed off, leaving her thought unfinished.

Nodding uneasily, Janner continued toward the twins’ room. He had noticed Elquinn’s unrest the previous evening and had asked about it but had gotten no response other than, “Just thinking.” Traces of it had still been in his eyes and face earlier that morning, but Sara had ushered the children upstairs immediately after breakfast while Oskar had ushered him into the library, giving him no time to once again ask Elquinn if he was alright.

He knocked on the door softly and said, “It’s Daddy. May I come in?”

The sound of a brief quarrel reached his ears and lasted only a few seconds before the door was pulled open, Elquinn appearing on the other side. “Daddy,” he said quietly. “Can I talk to you?”

Janner nodded. “Sure. Do you want to do it in mine and Mommy’s room?”

Nodding, Elquinn stepped out of his shelter behind the door and reached for Janner’s hand, grasping it tightly. The few steps to his room took only a few seconds, and Janner made sure to shut the door behind him once they were inside. 

“Now, what is it you wanted to talk to me about?” he asked gently, being sure to keep from upsetting Elquinn by pressuring him and making him think he needed to talk.

Elquinn had been looking at the floor, but at those words his head shot up, his lip trembling, his eyes darting about the room. 

Janner felt his heart breaking and picked Elquinn up, carrying him toward the armchair. He sat down in it and settled his son into his lap. Elquinn immediately burrowed his face into Janner’s shoulder, further convincing him that something was amiss.

“What’s wrong?” he murmured, though in truth, if Elquinn knew something or had overheard it, he had every right to be worried.

“Mommy’s upset,” was the tearful response. “She’s sad and maybe scared. And you are too.”

Janner closed his eyes, refraining from wincing outwardly. “How do you know I’m sad or scared?” He didn’t bother denying it. If Elquinn was going to figure things out, there was no sense in lying to him.

“You’re shaking,” he replied quietly. “I shake when I’m sad and scared, so you must be sad and scared.”

Janner let his breath out slowly, doing his best to convince himself not to break down crying in front of his youngest son. He tried to look on the bright side: at least Elquinn hadn’t actually heard anything. 

It wouldn’t have been so terrible if there hadn’t been merit to his words though. Elquinn had spoken the truth: Sara was scared and even though he was willing and even happy to meld with Amrah, he was a little scared too. And he had certainly felt grief over the past few days. He knew it wasn’t grief or sadness for himself, not really. He supposed he was upset there was a chance he would not see his children grow up, he would never see his grandchildren, and that his wife would be alone. But most of the grief he felt for others, for his family, but especially for Sara, Evnia, Elquinn, and Cerlon. He had watched his mother live without a husband and he had grown up without a father for so many years. If the Maker chose to take him, he knew what awaited his family. It would hurt them dreadfully. And Elquinn and Sara were already worried, which made it even worse.

He took a deep breath, though, because he had to at least try to assuage his son’s fears. “You probably want to know why I’m sad and scared, don’t you?”

Elquinn nodded. 

“And are you sad and scared too?” 

Another nod, but this time Elquinn adjusted his position so his head was tucked over Janner’s shoulder and his arms were wrapped around his neck. 

Janner thought for a moment. “As much as I want to, I can’t tell you why I’m sad and scared. It would be too hard to explain. But I can try and help you not be sad and scared. What you need to know is that the Maker is so much greater than our sadness and our fears and our worries and our weaknesses. We can give them to Him, and He can help us with them.”

“Will you help me, Daddy?” Elquinn asked, his voice breaking. “Will you help me give them to the Maker?”

Janner nodded into his son’s shoulder and whispered into his ear. “Maker, we know You always hear us. You always answer our questions and prayers. Sometimes You say yes, other times You say no, and so often You tell us wait. Tonight, Elquinn and I ask that You take his fear and sadness away. Show him that he doesn’t have to be afraid or sad. Show him that You’re there for him always,” Janner felt a lump in his throat and knew he had to finish quickly, otherwise a cascade of tears would fall. “And show me that too,” he finished, drawing in a shuddery breath.

Elquinn wiggled out of the hug and looked him straight in the eyes. “I love you, Daddy,” he said quietly, and Janner could hear conviction in every word.

“I love you, too,” he whispered, hugging his son tightly once more.

*****

Notes:

Let me know if this is weird. The likelihood is high, considering that...yeah. Just let me know if something needs to be changed 😅