Standing Steady in the Storms: Ch. 24

Notes: I like this one. It's a mixture of happy and angsty. An important note: anything from Janner's POV in the next several chapters may not be happening as it seems. It may feel like there are holes in his reactions with his physical atmosphere because he's only able to focus on his mental atmosphere. This is why he's currently labeled as an unreliable narrator.

These points occur when the voices are speaking. I haven't really shown how he acts when they come and invade his mind (since he doesn't register what he is actually doing when they invade), but it's a bit like Peetham, just less crazy and more tormented.

Reunion

They had docked several minutes ago and were now standing just outside Castle Rysen. Janner looked up at it with a mixture of excitement and fear. They hadn’t seen anyone yet, but Artham explained they were all inside.

“I told them that we’re here,” he said quietly. “We’re going to take it slowly. One person at a time.” Janner glanced at him and nodded. His uncle hadn’t pressed him yet, but he was beginning to worry that if he didn’t react or answer he would press. He wasn’t ready for pressing. He didn’t know if  he would ever be ready for pressing. 

His feet didn’t want to move forward, but Artham placed a firm arm around his shoulders and led him into Castle Rysen. Home. Where he should have been with Kal and Sara and their baby.

Janner didn’t know what would be awaiting him when he got there. In a way, he didn’t want anything or anyone awaiting him. If people were there, Nia and Arundelle and Leeli and Thorn, it meant they would have questions for him. He didn’t want to answer their questions. He didn’t want to see their looks of horror and fury if they found out the truth. He could not bear their hatred. 

But maybe I deserve it, Janner thought as he pressed his palm into his forehead as hard as he could. The wound itself had closed, but he still felt the pain. He forced himself to feel it, because he knew it was the only thing he was worthy of. Not maybe — I do deserve it. I know what I’ve done. I’ve failed them. They should hate me for it.

You’re right, they should. They should and you should and the world should! The voices cackled wickedly, drenching him in a storm's downpour. Janner closed his eyes and rubbed his mouth against the back of his hand, waiting for them to stop. They wouldn’t stop, though. They just kept talking and hammering him with icy cold pellets of hail. Selfish creature! Go back to the raft and drift there for the rest of eternity. They grew louder and louder, until he couldn’t think or feel anything other than— 

“Janner, I’m here for you.”

Janner felt the voices retreating and the hail dissolving. The torrent became a gentle mist, and he opened his eyes. 

“I’m here for you,” a soft voice said again. 

He turned his gaze slowly upward, knowing what he had heard but terrified to believe it. Janner’s eyes locked on two blue diamonds before him. Diamonds of light in a storm. Diamonds of peace and love and purity. Diamonds he had thought he had lost forever. 

“No, no,” Janner said, shaking his head and backing up quickly. He found himself scooting across the floor — when had he gotten there? “Y-you’re not here. You can’t be real. Y-you’re gone. He-I killed you-him. K-Ka,” Janner felt a sob rise up in his throat. “Y-you’re gone.”

“No,” her voice said firmly. “I am here and I am alive. And you’re alive,” she choked on her words. Janner saw tears rolling down her cheeks even as she smiled wider than he had thought possible. “Janner, you’re alive. Please, come closer.”

Janner looked at her, blinking. What is the worst that can happen? That she turns out to be a part of my imagination? That’s the only thing, the only bad thing that could come of this.

He pushed himself up from the floor and took a tentative step forward. She nodded encouragingly, and he took another. Then another, and another, until Janner was standing as close to her as he could without being on the bed. 

She was on the side closest to the wall, right where she always slept. She was underneath the covers but sitting up, with a few pillows behind her back so she wouldn’t have to lean against the wooden headboard. 

“Come closer,” she whispered. 

Janner closed his eyes and nodded, lowering himself to sit beside her. She reached out her hand and cupped his cheek in it — and in that instant, Janner knew that Sara was indeed very much alive.

“You’re here? You’re really here?” He whispered. “You’re not drowned or dead or-or-or —”

Sara shook her head. “No. I promise, I am right here. And I’ll stay beside you and reassure you as many times as you need to know that I am here for you.”

Janner found himself nodding and believing her words. Sara was here. She was alive. And for some odd reason, she was willing to stay with him and love him, even though he had utterly failed his purpose in life.

Then they broke in again and the rain became a steadier downpour. Lightning flashed and thunder boomed.

Are you seriously going to let yourself have the luxury of comfort and love and happiness? Not only is Kalmar in the hands of vicious fangs, but he still thinks he killed Sara! He still thinks he’s responsible for it. The least you can do for him — and WE mean the very least, because you have done NOTHING for him in the past week, is show some respect and get away from the comfort and peace. You do not deserve it, self-centered BEAST! 

Janner felt a warm and strong, yet oddly gentle hand on his shoulder. “Hush, Janner. Calm down. You’re alright. And I love you.” Then he felt the hand on his face, brushing away a tear. 

Janner opened his eyes again and saw Sara, blurry through the rain but still beautiful. “I don’t deserve this,” he whispered. 

Sara looked at him thoughtfully and took his hand in hers. “That doesn’t matter, Janner Wingfeather. Because even if you don’t deserve this, even if you don’t deserve me, I choose you. I choose to love you with all my heart, to be here for you and stand by you, no matter what. And that is a promise,” she added, tears slipping down her cheeks. 

*****

“What do you mean, you ‘don’t know what happened’?” Nia demanded looking at Artham steadily. 

Artham wrung his hands a bit and hesitated. “I mean, Janner hasn’t told me.”

“Well what is that supposed to mean?”

Leeli glanced between her mother and Artham as they talked. It was just a notch below shouting. Leeli knew Nia only acted this way when she was scared or confused, but it always worried her. She felt her leg bouncing up and down of its own accord. She didn’t bother stopping it. Leeli simply chose to look away and focus on something else. Like Thorn, who was sitting next to her. 

She could tell that he was worried too. He was already part of the family and had been for years. He regarded Janner and Kalmar as his brothers in almost the same way that Leeli did. Though, it was different, considering that boys did odd things to keep themselves occupied that made absolutely no sense to girls. 

“I really just want to know what Artham knows,” she whispered in his ear. “Mama has all these questions, but Uncle Artham doesn’t have answers for any of them. I wish he would explain as much as he can.”

“Hey, that’s a real good idea. Then, we don’t have to wait for findin’ out the ‘yays’ from the ‘nays,’ so far as knowin’ stuff goes.” Then Thorn stood up and began speaking loudly. “Mister Artham? Missus Wingfeather?” They turned to look at him, and Leeli clamped her hand over her mouth in an effort to hide both her horror and amusement. “Can we just skip to the part where you know what’s goin’ on? I think that’d be a really good idea.” Thorn eyed Nia as he said “really,” and managed to get an approving smile from her.

He plopped back down on the sofa and grinned at Leeli as Artham began explaining what he knew to them. “It’s all in the grammar,” he said. “‘Reals’ versus ‘reallys.’ Thanks for teachin’ me the difference.”

Leeli smiled at him. “You’re welcome.”

When Artham had explained what he knew to them, they all sat there, staring. Nia was utterly speechless and looked as though she were about to start crying, and Leeli could just see the words on the tip of Thorn’s tongue and she knew how hard he was trying not to break the silence. So she did it for them all, and received a grateful glance from Thorn in the process. 

“What you’re saying is that Janner and Kalmar have been somewhere, probably together, for three weeks, Janner was floating alone on a raft without anything for some amount of time, and that Kalmar disappeared at some point and Janner thinks it’s his fault?” Leeli asked him, just trying to clarify the answer.

Artham nodded. “There are a few more pieces in there, but that sums it up.”

They were quiet again until Nia who was looking intently at her hands asked: “What do we do?”

It was the question that was on everyone’s mind. Soon, it would invade the thoughts of not only every person in Castle Rysen, but every citizen of Anniera. The Throne Warden was back, something had happened to the High King, and nobody knew what to do next.

Notes: Awww Janner and Sara are back together <3 <3 he'll be meeting the twins in tonight's chapter! :D