Standing Steady in the Storms Ch. 39

Stronger than the Storm

Notes:

Happy chapter

*****

It had been four days since Leeli had originally connected with Hulwen in the Green Hollows, giving Janner the most amazing relief he had felt in ages. She was due back very soon, and when that happened, they would be able to make more progress towards rescuing Kal. 

Janner was inexplicably grateful that Hulwen had arrived when she did and knew only the Maker’s perfect timing had allowed it to happen. Because though Sara’s tenderness and Artham’s understanding were the healing balm on his wounds, the connection Leeli’s music and Hulwen gave him with Kal were the bandages that covered them and allowed him to heal. He knew that it would not be until Kalmar was standing by his side that only scars would remain, but for now he was content. 

Mostly, anyway. Sara would say he wasn’t content at all, that he was going to drive himself crazy with restlessness regarding how in Aerwiar they were going to rescue Kalmar. She kept telling him to calm down, stop pacing the room, and rest. “There is nothing you can do right now, anyway. You have no idea where he is,” she would say. Janner would respond with, “Doing nothing about it is going to drive me crazy. I can’t rest, Sara. I need to find him and bring him home.”

Then she would look at him, sigh, place her hands on her hips,  and pick up either Evnia or Elquinn and place one of them in his arms. Janner would smile at her and look down at his daughter or son and relish the innocence and perfection he saw in their sweet little faces. They were unmarred by pain or sorrow, and he vowed to protect them so they could stay that way for as long as possible.

Now, though, Nia and Arundelle were taking care of them so he and Sara could stroll down to the beach and watch the sunset. It was still mostly light outside and only the first few wispy clouds had taken on an orange hue. 

The path was rockier, more difficult to navigate, and more tiring than Janner remembered. He bit the inside of his lip in frustration, because he knew the path had not changed, he had. It had been two days since his life had finally shifted back into a semi-normal routine but he still felt badly bruised and worn. Janner found himself leaning on Sara far more than he was comfortable with and tried to shift himself away from her when he noticed, but he would always drift back involuntarily. 

It was utterly infuriating to know that he couldn’t even take a walk down to the beach without having to lean on someone. 

Janner glanced forward to see how much farther it was until they reached a good place to sit. It wasn’t that far. In fact, they were fairly close. Just another twenty feet or so. Not far, not far at all. 

When they had reached the end of the path and stood in the middle of the small beach, the waves lapping at the shore just a few feet away, Janner tried to control his breathing and not make it sound like he had run halfway across Anniera. 

He waited for Sara to sit down first as she always did, then he would follow her. It was the polite thing to do. She didn't sit down, though. Sara continued standing and placed her arm around him. It took Janner a few moments to realize what she was doing. Oh, why? He thought irritably. He rubbed his face with his hand and looked at Sara. "Please sit down first," he whispered. 

Sara planted her right hand on her hip and kept her left arm around him. "Janner Wingfeather, recovery from starvation and mental trauma is not a time for you to play the part of a gentleman."

"But what if it is?" Janner offered, smiling.

Sara frowned at him. "It's not."

Janner sighed. "Please, Sara. I really need you to sit down." If she didn't sit down soon and allow him to sit down afterwards, "ladies first" was the basic code of chivalry, he was pretty sure he would fall onto the beach, whether or not he wanted to. And I don't want to, he clarified mentally.

Sara stared at him for a few more seconds before giving in and sitting down. 

"Thank you," Janner whispered in her ear after he had lowered himself to the ground, hiding his desperation as best as he could. Apparently he didn't do a good job, because Sara turned to look at him, worry and love mingled on her face.

"Janner, please, don't hurt yourself. Regulations for finding Kalmar will be the same as those for when Artham was out looking for the two of you."

Janner furrowed his brow. "What were they?"

"Reconnaissance cannot last all day, you must eat every meal — a full meal — you must actually drink water and sleep, and you have to have your wife's consent that you are fit and healthy before even beginning the search."

Janner smiled wryly but chuckled all the same. He was pretty sure he knew when those rules had been put into place. "Uncle Artham wasn't exactly responsible when he was looking for Kal and I, was he?"

Sara laughed. "You could say that. But you've no right to judge — you haven't been very responsible with even staying alive over the past few weeks."

"I know," Janner replied quietly, looking down at the sand. He should not have reacted to anything in the past month as he had chosen to. He shouldn't have exploded on Kal, he shouldn't have closed himself off from everyone, he should have told them what happened. Maybe now is the time to , a quiet Voice in his head whispered. Janner felt a struggle within him and watched as his thoughts fought with each other. Then he felt Sara's small, soft hand on his chin as she pulled his head up to look at her. 

"Janner," she said softly, her blue eyes troubled. "What's wrong?"

Janner hesitated and pulled his face away from her touch. His legs were bent and his feet where planted on the beach, so he wrapped his arms around them, pressing his chin into his knees.

"I need, I need to, I— " he began faltering as he grappled with his thoughts as they tried to organize themselves into slightly less chaotic regiments. "I have, you have, no, wait— " Janner squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed his thumb and forefinger against them, sending little sparks of color into his vision.

"Janner, are you alright?" Sara asked him, placing her hand over his knee. "What's going on inside that mind of yours?"

Janner breathed in and out a few times before answering. "I'm going to tell you what happened on the island," he said slowly. "Just trying to convince my brain that's the right idea." He laughed harshly.

Sara nodded, but her worry still came through her eyes. "Don't do this if it's going to hurt you," she told him fervently. "I love you, and not only do I want you to stay safe, I want you to be with me."

Janner nodded and closed his eyes, remembering everything he could. Regarding the first few hours, it was precious little and made up of what he had pieced together from Kalmar's comments, but the rest was clear. "Something happened to where I had to climb up onto the ratlines…" he began.

Over the course of the story, Janner watched many emotions play out in Sara's eyes. 

When he told her about how he woke up with no idea what had happened and a huge bloodied gash on his forehead, understanding came over her. When he recalled the time he had lost Kal in the forest and when he saved Janner from the squeeblin, she laughed because the thought of him getting attacked by squeeblin, though a very real problem, had to have looked entertaining to the observer. Seconds later though, tears filled her eyes when she learned that Kal had spent the entire time thinking he had killed her and Galya. 

"He knows you're alive now," Janner reassured her quickly, but he felt a sinking in his stomach when he thought about how she would react to his burst of anger.

Slowly but surely, he came to that part. He came to that night. Janner felt his insides clench and his palms became clammy. His breathing quickened because of panic and he felt his mind growing fuzzy, almost as if it were trying to keep him from sharing. He felt clouds gathering in the corners of his mind and heard the rain begin to fall.

"Are you alright?" Sara asked him, touching his cheek with her warm hand. "You're pale and freezing and trembling, Janner, what is going on?"

Janner's lips moved without his voice making sounds and he could just barely hear the thunder in the distance. He was scared to tell her. What if she stopped loving him when she found out what he had done? When she found out how selfish he had been. Tell her, My son. She will not reject you.

Janner took a deep breath. "He told me you were dead. And that it was his fault. And I chased him away. I, I said," he paused and swallowed to dislodge the lump in his throat. It didn't work. "I told him to go away and never come back," Janner said softly, tears streaming down his cheeks. He looked away from Sara, staring at his hands. "Then he ran. H-He left because I forced him to go. And w-when I finally went to rescue him, he had been kidnapped by a Bat Fang and I-I tried to save him, I really did. I followed that Fang for miles a-and then I followed him across the Sea, but I couldn't catch u-up to him. I tried, I really did try," he whispered, trying to stop crying because the amount of times he had cried in the past month was ridiculous.

Sara said nothing. All Janner heard was the rain and wind and thunder. He couldn't bear to look at Sara's face because he was afraid of what he would see there. He would see anger because of what his selfishness had done. He would see eyes that told him he had horrendously failed and didn't even deserve to be there with her. He would see fury because of his mistake.

"Janner, please look at me," though, was the soft reply that came to his ears. Something about Sara's lovely voice forced him to obey.

And once again, — somehow! — all he saw was love. "You tried," she whispered fiercely. "And you're going to try again. And no matter what happens, I want you to know that I love you."

Janner looked into her eyes and saw a burning, unconditional love in them. He saw devotion and dedication and understanding. He saw steadfastness. And he believed her words. 

"Thank you," Janner whispered back as he stared into diamond blue eyes that were deeper, stronger, and brighter than the storm. 

*****

Notes:

<3 <3 <3

Still happy at the end and lovely with relationships, just some angst in the middle^^

And this concludes Part II: Shattered. Tomorrow we'll start part three!