Standing Steady in the Storms Ch. 60

Fantasies for Food and a Letter of Love

Notes:

Hmm, I wonder whose POV this is from....

Anyway, concerning the content of this chapter: I've always felt uncomfortable about it because the big issue was resolved in the last chapter. And to this day, I honestly don't know why I decided to go back to the mess of everything (albiet a much quieter, not teary mess) for the first portion. I really liked the character moment for Kal, it set up other things about him well, etc.

NEEDLESS TO SAY - I found a new excuse. It's not a perfect analogy, but it sort of works. Jesus asked Peter if he loved Him three times because Peter denied Him three times. Now, Janner by no means said three seperate cruel things to Kal, but that's not exactly the point. The point is that he recieves Kal's in person reassurance three times, so it's sort of a half-way Biblical allusion^^

*****

Later that day (or night, Kalmar wasn’t exactly certain because it wasn’t as though they had actual daylight in the dungeon), Kal asked Janner to explain what had actually happened after they were separated. He regretted the words almost instantly when he saw what his reaction was. If he was being honest, the scared and unfocused look in Janner’s eyes and the way he twisted his hands together unnerved him a little. It was like...

It’s like I’m seeing Uncle Artham when he was still Peet...but in Janner, Kal realized, a chill going through him. “You don’t have to tell me,” he said quickly after thinking enough to process the situation. “I don’t have to know.”

He watched as emotions merged and separated, filling Janner’s face with so many feelings. Kal saw brief relief and watched it flit away seconds later as a mixture of hesitant, scared understanding took its place. “No, you do have to know,” he whispered, looking at the floor. “You deserve to know. I owe it to you.”

“Wait, stop.” Kal held up his hands for emphasis. “Janner, look at me, please. Thank you,” he added as Janner did so. “This is going to be the third time you've done this, and I don't want to hear you apologizing anymore. So let's get this straight: I don’t deserve anything more or less than you do. Maybe you think you have to make things up to me because of what happened, but you don’t! I don’t want that.”

“But I failed you,” Janner said slowly, his voice breaking, tears glistening in his grey-green eyes.

Kal looked at his older brother, grief blossoming in his heart. What had happened to the healing from hours before? It was as if it had disappeared and been replaced by this sorrow once more. Though, he supposed. i guess "what happened after" wasn't exactly included in the "failure forgiveness" part that wasn't even failure.

He hated to think that in a way, he had caused this. Not on purpose, of course. But what in all that had happened in the past three months had been "on purpose"? Now he knew what had happened to put Janner in the state he had been in when he saw him during the music. He had suffered the guilt of a Throne Warden, because (in his mind) he hadn’t been able to fulfill his duties. 

Kal remembered his conversation with Artham on the Annieran countryside, the night after Janner died. The heartache and overwhelming guilt that had threatened to drown him that night, and he remembered his uncle’s words: You’re feeling like a Throne Warden...when something happens to the King, the Throne Warden automatically feels guilty, even if what happened isn’t his fault.

So in a tiny smidge of a way, Kal knew what was going on in Janner’s head. He took a breath, and began, praying to the Maker that his words would make some sort of sense when they came out of his mouth. “Janner, I don’t know how to make you change your mind, because you’re obviously pretty set in it. Instead, all I’ll say is this: I failed you too.”

Kal watched as Janner stopped breathing, as his hands stopped intertwining, as his eyes stopped darting here and there. A look of confusion leap onto his older brother’s face. 

“What are you talking about?” Janner asked.

Kalmar didn't answer immeadiatly, instead working to process his thoughts before he spoke. He wanted to get it right. “You may think you failed to protect me as Throne Wardens have protected their monarchs for epochs, but I have a duty towards you too. I’m supposed to tell you everything, to trust you with my fears, to let you know if I’ve done something stupid so you can go and fix it.” Janner cracked a smile at the last one. “You can’t protect me if you don’t know what I’m hiding from you. And I shouldn’t expect or even hope for protection and love if I’m not being honest with you.”

Janner opened his mouth, most likely to object, but Kal shook his head. “Don’t even try to deny it. It’s true. If you’re so stubbornly going to say that you failed me, then it’s only right that I should do the same. You and I are the Throne Warden and High King of Anniera. We’re in this together.”

He held out his left hand to shake on their agreement, because that was how they shook hands with each other. It was like a pact. Everyone else shook right hands, but they shook left. It was like a little courtesy that Kal was perfectly happy to give Janner, because no one else even thought about how awkward it was for a left-handed person to shake with their right. Still, Janner stared at his hand for a few seconds, barely moving or blinking or breathing.

“Janner, what’s wrong?” Kal asked, fear creeping into the edge of his voice. 

“Nothing,” Janner whispered finally, and it was then that Kal realized an image of joy had slowly painted itself on every corner of his face. To his surprise, Janner threw his arms around his neck and hugged him fiercely, only a hint of pain on his face. 

Kal blinked for a few seconds, unsure of how he should respond. It didn’t take long for him to realize the answer was obvious. He hugged Janner back, being extra careful not to press too hard. Once again, Kalmar whispered, "We're in this together."

"It’s a mutual relationship." Janner murmured. 

Kal furrowed his brow in uncertainty. "Well, I don't actually know the definition of 'mutual,' but sure, why not?"

Janner laughed aloud, and Kal relished the joyous sound that sent happiness coursing through his heart.

*****

Evening, or what they guessed was evening, finally came around. The lantern was beginning to die, mainly because its source of light was a candle, and candles burned out after a time. 

After dressing Janner's wound and reapplying the salve — the entirety of which has been a very unpleasant process for both of them. Kal really didn’t like looking at blood and torn flesh and…it was really just not his thing. He also hated causing Janner any sort of pain, physical or emotional, if he could help it — Kal had convinced him to get some sleep, even though there really wasn't a good place for it. To Kal's relief, Janner hadn't objected (for once he hadn’t insisted on “staying awake to protect him,” or another one of his Throne Warden excuses ) and had fallen asleep surprisingly quickly.

That left Kal to himself and his own thoughts in the dim light of the cell. He couldn’t help but grimace in disgust as he looked around. It had been much more tolerable before Amrah had thrown them the lantern. Now he could see every bit of grime and waste on the floor, on the bench, on the walls, on his hands — which had made him gag in disgust. It was a miracle Janner’s wound hadn’t gotten infected, considering how little water he had splashed on his hands before cleaning and bandaging it, partially because he hadn't been able to find much water. 

What he wouldn’t give for clean clothes, a clean room, his sketchbook — Janner had offered to let him use his journal and quill, but that felt almost like a violation of his brother’s property — and...he couldn’t think of anything else. 

At that moment, Kal’s stomach growled loudly. FOOD! He couldn’t believe he had almost forgotten to add food to the “want” list. He wondered when Amrah would throw more food into the cell. He wondered what the food would be. Probably just the usual stale bread, but it was still better than nothing. 

Of course, if she threw food in, it would give her a chance to see them. What she would think when she learned he was unbound and Janner was alive? She clearly had wanted him to be stuck in a position where he could not escape from her or help his brother. And he knew the Fang outside had been shooting to kill. There was no question in that, mainly because you never “randomly” aimed for the heart. It was a deliberate, cruel shot. The thought was terrifying and absolutely infuriated him.

As he seethed inwardly, Kal’s eye caught a glimpse of the lantern, which was really just a candle inside a glass casing, flickering uncertainly. An odd fear leapt into his heart, not because he was afraid of being in the dark again, but because he was afraid that he would not be able to read Galya's note.

He had already committed it to memory, but the prospect of not seeing her light handwriting that was so beautiful compared to his henbird-scratch, Kal quickly pulled it out from his back pocket and unfolded it tenderly. He read and re-read it over and over again, each  with a brighter fervor than the time before. 

My Dearest Kalmar,

Your Throne Warden has been preparing the entire week so he can rescue you. It's been a terrifying two months, the first spent believing that you were dead and the second spent in nervous expectation, just waiting for Janner to come back to himself so he could tell us where you were.

Now we all know. You're being held captive by the former Stone Keeper, Amrah. She was the one in the Phoob Islands. I remember her. I may have ended up in the Green Hollows eventually, but I was melded in the Phoobs. Amrah must have loved melding the children. You know she's crafty and deceptive. Kalmar, DO NOT let your guard down. 

All concerns and warnings aside, I come to the true intent of this letter. 

When you took me out on the ship, you initially meant to do it alone, didn't you? And when you gave me the sketchbook during that wondrous sunset before the storm, you almost said something. You said, " Galya, there's something I’ve been wanting — " But you never finished. I have thought about those words many times since that night, and the truth is that what you were trying to say (or, rather, ask ) is somewhat obvious. I could give you my response in writing, and in all truthfulness, a part of me is desperate to write those words. Still, I must refuse to give it to you. Not because that would necessarily be my answer, but because I want to say it to your face, so I can see you light up and your eyes glow. 

So, Kalmar. Upon your return, I await you. I await your question, and I know you await my answer. 

Love, Galya

Kal smiled, tracing the letters and words with dedication and love. At the bottom of the page were three drawings: the first of the two of them standing at the helm of the Shining Beauty at sunset, the other a split image of Galya sitting impatiently in a meadow back in Anniera and himself looking out the window of a castle turret frustratedly, and the last of them sitting together on a tree branch, faces set in looks of smiles and laughter that connoted pure joy.

The images gave him hope, even in the bleakness of such a dark and foodless place.

*****

Notes:

So? Did you like the letter? <3 <3 <3

And i suppose it doesn't revert back as much as I thought it did, it just covers a different layer. Like in Part II when Janner was talking with Sara, and they mostly took care of the first mess but he still felt like he needed to tell her what happened. But Kal wouldn't let him tell him what happened^^