Rather than Resenting: Ch. 15

Something Good from It

Notes:

Let me put it this way: this chapter wasn't...actually supposed to be a full chapter. It was supposed to be a short exchange between Janner and Elquinn before what happens in what is now Ch. 16 (it used to be a part of this chapter). Then it turned into a rather long chapter which may or may not have worked better earlier in the story. Scratch that, this would've been way better and made so much more sense earlier in the story. Maybe. Possibly. I don't know. **shrugs*

*****

Janner awoke for the final time when the glow of an early winter morning was slipping in through the bedroom window. He didn’t feel quite awake yet, not with how fitfully he had slept (but at least he had spent the night sleeping for the most part) the night before, but he knew it was the sort of wakefulness one simply couldn’t fall back to sleep from. 

Instead, he eased himself out of bed as quietly as possible without disturbing Sara or Cerlon and went to check on Evnia and Elquinn. At a time that early, they should still have been fast asleep. He hadn’t gotten to say goodnight to them the previous night, though, and he wanted to at least see them.

He slipped out of his and Sara’s room quietly and stepped into the hall that ran the length of their private apartments. Lining it were Evnia and Elquinn’s room (directly across from their room), a small spare bedroom (adjacent to their room), his study (at the end of the hall, farthest away from everything else), and a sitting area that had plenty of books (closest to the door that opened up to the larger hallway with a few more apartments with others’ private quarters).

Evnia and Elquinn’s door had no handle, since the chances of Evnia finding a way of locking it for fun were far too high, so he only needed to push it as quietly as possible to get in. He smiled as soon as he saw them and went to Evnia first, as her bed was closest to the door. She was still sleeping, her strawberry blonde curls covering her pillow wildly, the ribbon used to hold the once-braid discarded on the floor. Janner shook his head, a grin tugging at the corners of his mouth at the sight.

Although Evnia was a bundle of energy when she was awake, she slept as soundly as the stones themselves, giving him the opportunity to kiss her lightly on the forehead.

When he turned around he was surprised (and a little startled, though he did his best not to show it) that Elquinn was already awake and sitting up in bed, looking at him intently.

“You should be sleeping,” Janner whispered, coming over and sitting on the edge of his son’s bed. “It’s too early for you to be awake.”

“But you’re not sleeping, Daddy,” Elquinn pointed out, his voice equally quiet and somehow sounding completely awake.

Janner resisted the urge to smile. “You’re a growing boy and you need lots of sleep. I slept plenty last night.”

Elquinn shook his head, his hair falling into his eyes just a little bit. “Mommy said you didn’t sleep enough and you were going to make yourself sick if you didn’t start sleeping more.”

Janner wanted to furrow his brow in concern, but he didn’t want Elquinn to think anything was wrong. “She didn’t tell you that, did she?”

“No. Before Mommy left to be with you in your room, Evnia was being a Toothy Cow and I didn’t want to do that, so I was listening to Mommy and NiNi instead,” he explained.  “She said it to NiNi.”

Janner resisted the urge to say anything against Sara (because she didn’t deserve it and Elquinn didn’t need to hear that), and instead addressed the issue of Elquinn listening in on conversations. “You shouldn’t pay attention to things that aren’t yours to pay attention to,” he corrected him gently. “It’s not polite.”

Elquinn began twisting his blanket in his hands and looked down at it. “Sorry, Daddy.”

Janner smiled and brushed down a few wild strands of his son’s pale blond hair that had decided to stick up strangely. “I forgive you. But you should tell Mommy and NiNi that you’re sorry as well, alright?”

Nodding again, Elquinn climbed out from underneath the covers and threw his arms around Janner’s neck. “I will,” he mumbled into his shoulder.

Janner hugged his son back, smiling as he did so. The lovely contentment that abided in that moment was too perfect for words. 

What Elquinn said afterward when he pulled away from the embrace made the wave of contentment crash into the rocks of reality. “Is Cerlon okay, Daddy?”

Janner wanted to force a smile onto his face, he truly did, but he was worried Elquinn would see through it. “I don’t know,” he answered truthfully. “He was okay yesterday except for the morning, and we’re going to have to trust the Maker for anything after that.”

Elquinn nodded seriously. “Will He make Cerlon okay, or will He do something else?”

Feeling his heart breaking at the directness of his son’s question, it was a minute before he could manage to answer. “He will do whatever is His Will,” Janner replied softly. “And we don’t always like His Will, but it’s what is best for us.”

Elquinn furrowed his brow. “What does that mean?”

“It means,” Janner hesitated, not sure what was the best example. The most recent one was Kalmar and his arm, but with Amrah’s arrival, he wasn’t very comfortable explaining that. And then there was always his death, but explaining that had already become too complicated and confusing, what with the fact that people talked about it every year during that season. Then another idea came to mind, one that hurt dreadfully, but the pain of it had been mitigated, for him, at least.

“Well, my Daddy — we called him ‘Papa,’ — was gone for a long time when I was little. We thought he was dead,” he began.

“Why? Could you not find him?” Elquinn asked innocently, though his eyes flickered with what was likely sadness at the thought of someone’s Daddy being gone.

Janner nodded. That was the simplest way of explaining it. “Then when I was twelve — twice your age — he found us. We realized he wasn’t dead and NiNi and Uncle Kal and Auntie Leeli and I were all so happy.” He chose to leave out the fact that their hearts were really breaking, because Esben had been dying nearly the entire time they had actually been with him. “Even though we were really happy, it stopped when he died.”

“Wait, he died for real this time? Or was it fake-dying again?” Elquinn looked very confused.

Janner shook his head, blinking back the tears that sprang into his eyes. “No, he died for real. He died saving us.”

Elquinn’s lip trembled at the thought of it. “But…but why did the Maker do that? Why did He let it happen? Everyone needs their Daddy!”

Janner’s throat burned. “Because,” he whispered. “Because He knows better than we do. And the Maker didn’t make my Papa die — that was his choice. He did it for me and Uncle Kal and Auntie Leeli. Someone tried to take us away from NiNi, and he protected us.”

“Why did the Maker think your Daddy dying was good for you?” Elquinn asked, a sob choking him. 

Hating that he had made his son cry, Janner pulled Elquinn into his arms and rocked him back and forth. “You know what people always celebrate this time of year?”

Elquinn nodded tearfully. “Something about you dying and everyone getting their lives back, but you’re here, so I don’t get it.”

Janner smiled. “Well, just a few months after my Daddy died, Uncle Kalmar was going to do something that would hurt him and save a lot of people. I decided to do it instead, even if something bad happened to me because of it.” There were so many more pieces to it than that, but it would be far too confusing to explain, and he wasn’t certain if they all needed to be explained. 

“Why?” Elquinn asked again.

Looking him directly in the eye, Janner replied, “Because it was what I knew I had to do. And one of the reasons why I could do it was because I saw what my Papa did for all of us. He died saving us, and I knew I could do that too.” Of course, there was the fact that the Maker had been the one Who truly helped him and purified him in the Fane of Fire, and so many other factors, but what he wanted Elquinn to hear in that moment was how good had come out of Esben’s death, even if it hurt dreadfully.

His brow furrowed and eyes set in a downward gaze of extremely deep thought (or as deep as thoughts could be for a six-year-old boy), Elquinn took a few minutes before he responded. “So that was why the Maker let your Daddy die? So something good could come out of it? So more people could live because of it?”

Janner nodded, tears springing into his eyes. It had to be the reason. He had not managed to find another in all the hours of pondering over it. Other than the simple answer that sometimes bad things happened. He wanted to give his son the reassurance that he had seen Esben again, but that was even more complicated to explain.

“And that means Cerlon might die?” Elquinn asked, a tremor in his voice.

Janner closed his eyes. He hated answering questions like that. “He might,” he said slowly. “But remember, he’s held on for this long and he also might not. I don’t know what the Maker will do, but whatever it is…it makes sense to Him. Something good will come out of it. We just don’t get it now.”

He only wished he could believe that.

*****

The day went by uneventfully other than his rather tearful and painful conversation with Elquinn so early in the morning. Every time he saw his son in between meetings, he was quiet, contemplative, and solemn. Janner worried so much that he had said something wrong, that he should not have spoken of such deep yet true things with Elquinn. 

At the same time, there was a peaceful reassurance in his heart that he had done the right thing, and that peaceful reassurance grew stronger when he hugged Elquinn every time they crossed paths, receiving a firm embrace and a sweet smile in return. Sara went so far as to ask him if something was wrong as they ate lunch as family, but Elquinn shook his head and said he was just thinking.

The meetings in the afternoon went about the same as they always did, except they were lacking both Kalmar and Maraly, who bailed on it in favor of playing tackleball (Galya was supervising very closely). Janner and Artham managed to juggle Annieran matters, the latter supplying a good deal of information that Janner had not yet had the chance to thoroughly memorize. 

Once again, Sara was not present at the evening meal and likely would attend none the entire time the Skreean representatives and diplomats were there. It would raise suspicion, but hopefully not question. It wasn’t as though they could fake a birth or anything like that. Unless Cerlon dies and Jebsun has to come anyway. You can say he was stillborn, some dreadful crevasse of his mind came up with as he took a bite of henmeat.

He didn’t feel like eating after that.

Thinking about Elquinn and Cerlon and the looming meetings was enough to keep his mind away from other things like Kalmar and Amrah, at least for the most part. His brother’s lack of participation in the first (and longest) of the meetings that afternoon helped as well. 

Unfortunately by the time it came for everyone to sleep, he could not. He stayed awake for hours, thoughts that had slipped his mind during the day coming back to haunt him. When he did sleep, it was riddled with nightmare after nightmare, jolting him awake again and again. Sara woke up every time, and while he was grateful, in a way it really only made him feel worse. She needed sleep, too.

When morning finally came, he knew there was really only one thing he could do to try and make it all stop.

*****

Notes:

I will not be able to post on Saturday because I'm doing this thing with my school's equivalent of JROTC and we're going to be outside without wifi...and so yeah. But I will post on Sunday!