Gentle Insistence
Notes:
This chapter was one way and then I said, "nah, let's do something else that's better." Or at least something that makes more sense. Also I decided Janner needed to sleep. So I decided to let him sleep. And not be miserable at that dinner. So this ended up being a sweet chapter with Janara^^
UPDATED: I forgot to have Sara taking care of his hand đ
*****
In the end, Janner decided he would change out of his still-damp clothes. The chances of Sara scolding him about spending so much time in them in the first place was painfully high, but he was freezing and it wasnât helping him manage to stay in a better mood. Granted, it was keeping him awake, but he had plenty of other things to do that job. Like his obnoxious mind that didnât know when to quit. Like people asking him to talk about things when he didnât want to. Like representatives and delegates who still needed to see the diplomatic side of him.
When he first slipped into their bedroom, he saw no Sara. At first he was puzzled, then relieved beyond belief. He couldnât bear to answer her questions at that moment, he just couldnât. And if she wasnât there, there was a much better chance he would actually be able to force himself to go back downstairs and join everyone else for supper.
He rummaged through their bureau (divided in half so his clothes were on the left side and hers were on the right) for a collared shirt and a decently warm sweater vest, then searched through the drawers below it (again, his on the left, hers on the right) for pants and socks.
He set to changing, finished, and nearly made it out the door with his damp clothes that he could put in the laundry chute so Sara would be none the wiser, when her familiar, sweet voice addressed him. âJanner? What are you doing?â
He winced at the unfortunate circumstances and turned around guilty. Not that he thought it was unfortunate to see Sara, but he had hoped the many hours he had spent in damp clothes would go unnoticed. He didnât want her to panic. It was the last thing she needed. And he didnât want to be tempted to stay when he really couldnât.
âJust changing, thatâs all,â he replied innocently. The laughs and giggles of children from somewhere on the other side of the door she had come through seemed to make his words into a joke.
Sara didnât seem convinced and raised one eyebrow, shifting Cerlon a bit in her arms. âWhy do your clothes look wrinkled as if they dried after becoming damp and wet?â
âBecause,â Janner faltered. âTheyâŚgot wet at the port?â It wasnât a complete falsehood.
She eyed him suspiciously for a second before compassion filled her perfectly blue diamond eyes. âJanner, I already know you didnât actually meet the Skreean representatives, and I also know who wanted to speak with you earlier.â Her voice was soft, gentle, understanding, and so painfully inviting that it took all of Jannerâs willpower he still had left to resist pouring everything out to her or at least to somebody in that very moment.Â
âYeah, well, I canât do anything about it right now, can I?â He replied, his words coming out more harshly than he intended to and a bit more loudly. Cerlon fussed a little, and something strange flickered through Saraâs eyes. A wave of panic crashed over him and he began hastily apologizing. âSara, Iâm so, so sorry. I, I didnâtââ
âHey,â Saraâs voice was calm and gentle, and she came closer, reaching up and cupping his cheek in her hand. âJanner, itâs alright. You donât need to apologize. You didnât do anything wrong.â
He closed his eyes and let out his breath slowly, willing every single emotion to just slip into that bottle he had reserved specifically for it. Unfortunately the bottle had gotten too full for simply slipping, and he had to shove them inside before jamming the cork back on top.Â
âYou donât know that,â he whispered, his eyes filled with tears that he did his best to blink back. âYou donât know the thoughts that raced through my mind just a few hours ago. And they havenât left yet.â
Sara looked him intently in the eyes, and he saw nothing but love written on her face. Maybe there was a hint of concern, but she hid it well. âHow many times do I have to tell you that those things donât change how much I love you?â
Janner shook his head. There was more roiling inside his mind than she thought, and he was sure that if she really knew what it was, her words would have been different. It wasnât like last time when he had only felt guilty because he had lost Kalmar. This time he was angry, he was bitter, he knew it, and he was too scared and too attached to it to give it up.
âI know how many times youâve said it,â he replied quietly. He could count them. Sometimes he did. It never really helped reassure him, though.
âAnd youâre not going to forget?â Her eyes told him how intent she was and how willing she was to trap him in their room until he agreed, so he shook his head in response.
âNo, I wonât forget it.â He was being truthful. He wouldnât forget she had said it and he wouldnât forget how many times she had said it. Believing it was the problem.
Stroking Cerlonâs cheek gently, she nodded with approval. âGood, then.âÂ
Sara was silent for a minute, and tired though he was, Janner made a point of searching her eyes and studying her face and trying to figure out what she was thinking about. When she spoke, he found out he had been correct.
âI think you should stay here and get to bed early,â she said softly, as gently yet as forcefully as anyone could.
Janner wasnât sure it was possible for anyone other than Sara to manage both of those qualities in her tone simultaneously. âThereâll be questions though,â he protested half-heartedly, even though he truly did want to listen to her and just skip the evening meal. It wasnât as though he was hungry, anyway.
Sara waved his concern off with her hand. âLet them ask questions. Tell them the truth: you didnât get much sleep last night because you were awake worrying about the baby.â
Janner considered this briefly before shaking his head. âBut what ifââ
âShh,â she hushed him gently. âJanner, you're about to fall asleep on your feet, and it's going to be just the same if not worse if you decide to actually go through with attending that supper.â
âButââ
She looked at him imploringly this time. âIf you won't do it for yourself, at least do it because I'm asking you to.â
He sighed and bit his lip. He couldnât resist if she asked him to. That would just be wrong. He wasnât willing to take the chance of making her upset by simply checking off a line in the diplomatic box. âAlright. But only because you're the one who's asking.â
âLovely!â Her smile was enormous, and Janner knew everything was worth that. âYou get changed again while I'm taking these.â She motioned for him to hand her his wrinkled clothes he had been clutching tightly the entire time. He hesitated for a moment, wondering how she would juggle Cerlon and the clothes without dropping one or the other. Her eyes twinkled, though, and in an effort to assuage his guilt she said. âI have several little helpers, remember?â
Shrieks and giggles in the background confirmed her point, and he sighed and handed them over reluctantly. âFine.â
âThank you!â She seemed very proud of herself, and frankly, Janner thought it was adorable. âNow, I'll ask Mama to let Artham or Kalmar know about the change in plans.â
Janner gave her a half-smile at those words. Truthfully, he was dreading the questions he was going to be asked the next day, but he was willing to bear them since what he was doing was Sara's request.
âAnd let me take care of your hand, alright?â she added, walking towards the door before actually getting an answer from him.
He nodded, but the knot in his stomach still refused to go away as he watched her walk out the door.
*****
By the time she got back with a thin strip of bandages and mild healing salve, Sara wasn't too surprised to see that Janner had already gotten into his nightclothes. She wasn't even that surprised to see that he was only sitting on top of the bed, not underneath the covers as one normally would when they were planning on going to sleep. What she was surprised to see was a single tear rolling down his cheek, a few more becoming its companions.Â
Nia had asked if she could take care of Cerlon for a little while, and unwilling to say, âno,â to the woman who was like a mother to her, Sara had agreed. Though she had been a bit reluctant then, she was thankful now. She hurried over, unworried about whether she would jar Cerlon as he was not in her arms anymore and sat down on the bed next to Janner so she could grasp his left hand. âJanner,â she murmured. âWhat's wrong?â
He shook his head. âI can't sleep now,â he whispered. âIt's not going to work.â
Sara felt her heart breaking. The look she saw in his eyes was the one that appeared only after he had had a nightmare or when he was terrified of having one. She had a feeling it wasnât just from what had happened to Cerlon that morning, which meant she needed to treat it as such. This was about Amrah and Kalmar and everything that had happened six years earlier, and although it grieved her to admit it, she had become rather proficient at handling things like that.Â
She desperately hoped he was too tired to see how much the memories of when they had dealt with all of that mess hurt her when they resurfaced, because if he saw them, she had a feeling he would do his best to shove everything inside of him again. That was the last thing she wanted.
âJanner, I'll be right here,â she replied softly, massaging his hand with her thumb. âI'll sit in the armchair and if you start getting restless or have a nightmare while you're sleeping, I'll squeeze your hand to make it stop, alright?âÂ
A hint of relief passed through his eyes, but soon it was gone, replaced by more concern and worry. âMama can't watch everyone alone.â
Sara resisted the urge to laugh at that. The fact of the matter was that Nia was a very capable woman, and even if she wasn't, she was a sacrificial woman who would be more than willing to bite off more than she could chew if it meant her son would actually sleep. âI'm sure she'll be alright, but I'll ask her permission just in case.â
Floating through the door that Sara has accidentally left open came the words, âI can manage perfectly fine! Sleep, Janner, please.â Her voice was quiet enough that she would not make Cerlon fuss, but loud enough that they would hear her.
Sara smiled and looked at him, squeezing his hand again. âSee? I can stay. Will you let me take care of your hand?â
Janner still seemed uncomfortable with the idea of her staying and shrugged in response to her question, but by the way he struggled to focus on her face, she knew it wouldn't be long before he was asleep, even if he kept trying to fight it. Maybe they would be really successful and he would wake up without dark circles under his eyes and without the cold she was betting on after he had stayed in wet clothes for so long.Â
Though he might actually be forced to sleep if he caught a cold, she mused as she instructed him to hold his right palm open and applied some of the salve gently. In which case that could work in my favor.
She wrapped the cuts in the thin strip of bandage, and apologized when he winced as she tied it off. Hurting him truly was the last thing she wanted to do, especially since he hurt himself enough already, what with nearly always refusing to actually express his grief over Cerlon and not really telling her how he felt about Amrah actually being in Anniera.
Unfortunately the pain of that latest development was far too raw for her to consider addressing it at that moment, not to mention that what he really needed to do was sleep. Planning on making sure he did just that, she got up from where she was sitting and placed the jar of salve onto the nightstand before coming back to him.
âNow go to sleep,â she whispered, brushing his somewhat-mussed hair into place with her fingers to where it fell over the left side of his forehead again so it would cover the scar there. He preferred it when it laid that way. âPlease.â
Smiling a little, he finally got underneath the covers and laid down, sighing contentedly without intending to.Â
Sara sent a prayer of thanksgiving to the Maker as she watched him visibly relax. âI'll be here,â she whispered as his eyes fluttered shut. âI promise. Just trust me.â
*****
Notes:
I would say this was fairly happy! Or at least sweet^^
Anyway, I can't post two chapters today (as much as I would love to!) because I am kind of behind on writing and need to catch up on that...
Table of Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
I don't know when it will get approved, but I entirely forgot to have Sara take care of the cuts on Janner's palm! So I just added them and sent it in...it is currently pending^^
Andrea asked what would happen if Sara got mad at Janner...and while this isn't super descriptive...it's an idea sketch. Don't worry, this DOES NOT happen in the story (I think this comment is permitted...it's just really sad).
âJanner!â Saraâs scream tore through Jannerâs mind that was for once nightmare-free, but by the way she sounded, he knew it was urgent.Â
His heart beat wildly, things coming in cross sections, slivers, bits as they had just the night before, but he saw more this time: he saw the frantic terror written on her face, he saw the way Cerlonâs head lolled to the side in the split second he forgot to hold his sonâs neck, he heard footsteps, shouts, he felt Cerlon being taken from him, but he wouldnât let go, even though he was powerless. He knew he was powerless, powerless as he stared at his too-weak sonâs face tinged in blue, powerless as he did compressions that in his heart of hearts knew wouldnât work, powerless as he heard the words, âItâs over,â whispered into his ear perhaps as gently as such words could be, but they stung bitterly and burned as nothing in his life ever had or ever would again. Unless it burned forever.
Someoneâs trembling hands took Cerlon from him, and this time he complied, his arms dropping limply to his sides. A moment later he saw his son in Saraâs arms and wasnât too surprised; she was the only one he ever would have allowed to take Cerlon from him. There were tears streaming down her face and her brow was twisted in a way he had not seen since he left her behind at the Fork! Factory!, the grief and the sorrow and the regret that was seared into his memory.Â
There was something new in her eyes now, though, something he had never seen before. It was anger, no fury. She was furious. And she was looking at him, she was looking at him with that pure and utter fury and it was so strong and so powerful that he took a stumbling step back, his heart thudding inside his chest, his mind roiling from the thoughts that swirled about it so fast that no one could ever comprehend them.
âWhy didnât you save him?!â she shouted, the words coming sharp and horrifically painful and so utterly true. âWhy didnât you try harder?! Whyââ she choked on her words and her grip tightened around Cerlon whose body was limp, so terribly limp and still and blue.
He saw her jerk as if someone had placed their hand on her in an effort to calm her down, then there was a stinging slap against his cheek â he must have been the one who tried calming her down, but it obviously hadnât worked. Nothing was working, everything was falling apart, walls were crumbling, Sara was crumbling, he was breaking, everything was shattering, nothing could hold it together, nothing, nothing, nothing at allâŚ
Nothing. Everything was gone.
Everything.
It had fallen to pieces.Â
What was left?
Swirling, shattered, broken pieces.
Pieces that once were a masterpiece,
Now broken pieces.
Never to be put back together again.
Impossible.
Nothing could ever do it, no one could ever find
Every one of the millions ofÂ
Pieces.
Pieces of grief and anger and bitterness,
Pieces of stored rage and fury,Â
Pieces of love that still prevailed,
Pieces of the goodness left inside,
Pieces of what could come of the pain,
Pieces of the chances that still were left,
Pieces of such impossibilityâŚ
Pieces.
Does Janner realize what he was just thinking? He was relieved beyond words to not see Sara? 𤣠Okay, so it makes a lot of sense, but it was still funny!
I'm love how quick Janner to apologize! To some people, anyway... and his bottling-up bottle is so full now that he has to stuff it?
I think Sara can get Janner to do just about anything. All she has to do is ask and look at him with those bright diamond eyes.
So Sara realized that Janner was upset about Amrah, and not just Cerlon, so she decided she needed to act like it was just about Cerlon? That part confused me just a bit... But then she never referenced what it was he was mostly upset about and just tried to get him to sleep.
Janner gets to sleep! (Hopefully; he's not actually asleep yet, after all!) Maybe you got a good night's sleep and realized that the characters in your story need sleep, too!
Janner likes to hide his scar?