Rather than Resenting: Ch. 22

Grieving Acceptance

Notes:

Now time for the reveal of what Amrah gave him^^

*****

Janner went to find Sara as soon as he was able, which meant first sitting through an impossibly dry meeting on wood-shipping that was made even more dry because of what he actually needed to do. He could barely keep his knee from bouncing up and down. He wouldn’t have wanted to, anyway, except that when his knee bounced, it both turned Artham’s attention in his direction and knocked into the object hiding in his jacket’s inner pocket.

Kalmar knew about the “gift” but had yet to say anything more than, “We’ll put it back once Leeli gets here. Maybe the day after the Ball, since we might have some time then. I guess you can just hold onto it for now. I trust you more than pretty much anyone else, so just put in a safe place, obviously.”

“Obviously,” Janner had echoed him, surprised and slightly baffled that Kalmar had not yet realized. Still, he thanked the Maker for that. He knew in his heart that Amrah’s “gift” (at least in a way) was a core piece of what was requested of him. It would be difficult enough as it was without Kalmar breathing down his neck. If his brother had any inkling of what he was planning on doing, he was pretty sure he would spend the rest of the month or even the rest of his life locked in his room.

Once the meeting was finally over, he “bolted” as diplomatically as possible to the private sector of the castle. Kalmar asked why he was in such a rush, and he told him the truth: he wanted to talk to Sara about something important. He whispered a silent thank you when Kal chose not to ask anymore questions.

Away from his brother’s presence, Janner set to figuring out where exactly Sara was at that moment. It was most likely she was either in their apartments or somewhere else, like the kitchen or library. Wherever she was, it was also incredibly probable she was with Nia, Arundelle (possibly), Galya, Maraly, or any of their children. There was even the chance she was with all of them. Janner pursed his lips at the thought of that. Pulling her away from so many people might prove difficult.

He passed the library first, but she wasn’t there. Nor was she in their apartments, not the sitting area, not the children’s room, not their room. That left two places: the private garden and the kitchen. Well, it’s more likely she’s in the kitchen, he mused as he made his way back downstairs to Nia’s personal kitchen on Castle Rysen’s ground floor. The garden would be a bit of a risk. It was technically private, but probably one of the least private sections of the private section of the castle.

He heard giggles, squeals, and barely-subdued sighs when he was within hearing distance of the kitchen and cracked a smile. He picked up his pace, then slowed it again. He didn’t want anyone to worry or think something strange or concerning was happening. Of course, something strange was happening, but there was no need to make anyone worry.

The door to the kitchen was cracked open, but he knocked anyway. There was a whisper — it sounded like Sara — then the sound of pattering feet and half a face peeking through the crack in the door. “Who is it?” Evnia asked, teasingly.

Janner grinned and responded, “It’s Daddy. May I come in?”

Giggling, Evnia spun around and loudly declared, “It’s Daddy! Is he allowed inside?”

The answer to her question was apparently, “yes,” because in the next moment, the door was swung open and Evnia had grabbed his hand, dragging him inside.

Sara was sitting at the table holding Cerlon, Maraly was reenacting one of her “daring” Shadowblade acts to Elquinn and quite possibly scaring him, and Nia was at the counter, kneading dough, smiling contentedly. He briefly wondered where Arundelle, Galya, and Laylynne were, when Sara answered his question without him asking it.

“If you’re trying to figure out where everyone else — meaning not Artham or Kalmar or Gammon — is, they’re picking Asteria up from school. Laylynne wanted to go which made Galya have to go, and Arundelle was going to go anyway. These two,” she nodded at Evnia and Elquinn, the former of whom was trying to pay attention to Maraly’s story while peppering Nia with questions about baking, while the latter looked as though he was trying to escape by sliding from the bench to the space underneath the table. “Were going to go but decided they would rather stay with NiNi and/or listen to Maraly’s stories.”

“And I didn’t want to be in the cold again,” Elquinn added from his spot under the table.

Janner nodded. “All very good choices,” he said with perhaps more emphasis than was necessary.

Sara looked at him closely. “Janner, do you want to talk to me about something?”

Both Maraly and Nia’s gazes turned toward them, and Janner lowered his voice to respond. “Yes, actually. But not here. Somewhere we won’t be disturbed, maybe?”

She looked at him and nodded a bit uneasily. “Alright. Mama and Maraly, can you watch Evnia and Elquinn?” Sara received a gentle smile and a brisk, affirmative gesture in response. This accomplished, she looked at Evnia and Elquinn. “Be good for NiNi and Auntie Maraly, alright?” After getting two vigorous nods, she left the kitchen with him. 

“Do you want me to carry Cerlon?” Janner offered.

Sara shook her head. “No, I’m fine. But you can hold him once we reach our room if you want. I’m guessing that’s where you want to talk, right?”

He nodded. “If we can, yes.”

An awkward silence intruded after that, so Janner attempted to break it. “How has he been today? Since after lunch, I mean. I was…kind of with you all day before that.”

Sara smiled and glanced down at Cerlon lovingly, trusting Janner to guide her safely up the stairs as she did so. “He’s been alright. More wet diapers. I’m almost tempted to think he’s going to make it.”

Janner pondered this for a moment before responding when they reached the top of the stairs. “Well, it has been almost an entire month,” he said slowly. “Maybe he will.”

She hesitated. “But Jebsun said—”

“Hey.” They stopped right outside the door to their apartments, and he pulled her into an embrace. “I know what Jebsun said. And, sure, he’s been right a lot. He’s probably one of the only reasons a number of the people in our family are alive right now. But that doesn’t mean he was right about this. At this point—” he faltered briefly. “Maybe it’s safe to believe now. I– I feel like I’m allowed to trust Him again.” he finished. 

Sara pulled away and looked into his eyes. “Janner,” she began. “What is it that you want to talk to me about?”

He smiled lightly. “In the room, alright?”

She complied reluctantly, and a moment later all three of them were in the room, Sara sitting on the bed and Janner sitting in the armchair, holding Elquinn. He realized in that moment that either of them holding an infant was not exactly the best idea, considering what he was about to say. 

“Um,” he said, wracking his brain for a less uncomfortable way of saying what he needed to. “I think…I think it would be better if Cerlon were in his crib for this conversation, just because,” he added quickly when Sara began protesting. “We’ll be able to communicate more easily if he is.”

Sara shook her head, looking completely baffled. “Janner, I have no idea what you’re going to tell me, but I would really love it if you would explain it. And if you think Cerlon needs to be in his crib for it…” She trailed off, not finishing her thought.

Janner whispered a quiet, “thank you,” and laid his son down in the crib. Reluctance certainly accompanied him with the action, because the truth was that he really did want to hold Cerlon. But if the conversation went awry — and even if it didn’t go awry! — he had a feeling he would need both arms to comfort Sara.

“Okay,” he began once he was sitting in the armchair again. “So a few days ago, it was the day you found me in the room asleep on the floor, I was praying. And in that prayer, I asked the Maker to show me Amrah’s sincerity if she was telling the truth and to give me instructions on what to do if He showed it to me. I’ve prayed this multiple times a day since that day without having a clue as to how He would make it obvious.”

Sara nodded, and through her diamond blue eyes raced a thousand unvoiced questions. Janner smiled at her and took her left hand in his. He wasn’t sure what she would think about what he said next, but he had a very good idea of what she would think about his interpretation of what he said next.

“Anyway,” he continued. “I went to see Amrah today — Kalmar was with me, don’t worry — because I wanted to apologize for the way I exploded on her a few days ago. To make a long story short, she ended up giving both of us something: she gave Kalmar the sketchbook he filled when he was imprisoned in Castle Throg, and she gave me this.”

He slipped his right hand into his inner jacket pocket, grasped the oblong object inside it, and pulled it out, opening his hand so she could see it. She stared at it, looking a bit confused. Janner didn’t blame her. It looked like almost any other unimpressive white stone. 

“What is it?” she asked, looking a little confused.

“Gnag gave it to her as a gift,” he began. “She cherished it dearly, more than almost anything. It was a symbol of his love for her. Or, at least of the love they could understand.”

Confusion and a touch of concern flitting into Sara’s eyes. “Then why did she give it to you? And what is it, other than a little white rock?”

Janner smiled and, still holding the small stone, got up and pulled closed the curtains that were open to let in the sunlight. With the first set drawn the stone shimmered, the next set sent it glowing, and the last darkened the room enough to where it pulsated with lovely golden-white light. 

“It’s the holoré,” he whispered reverently, coming back toward her. The lovely light dancing about the room gave him a clear view of her face, and she stared in wonder.

“One of the ancient stones,” she said softly. “But why did she give it to you?”

Janner pursed his lips. He doubted Amrah had given him the holoré for her own gain. The deepest, most peaceful conviction had flooded over him the moment he saw it, a conviction only the Maker could give to him. “She hurt people with this stone,” he replied solemnly. “So many people were Fanged with it. Even Kalmar was Fanged with it! Uncle Artham became what he is today because of it, which has been very helpful over all, but so much pain and grief came from it. She’s letting go. She’s making a choice. And I,” he took a breath. “I have to make mine.”

Sara looked at him in alarm. “Janner, what do you mean?”

He paused, closed his eyes, and prayed for the right words. As he did so, he got up and reopened the curtains, allowing the natural light to spill back into the room. Once again, the holoré dimmed to the point at which it once more looked like an unimpressive rock. “I asked the Maker how I would know Amrah was innocent and what I should do if that was the case,” he replied slowly. “This is the answer He gave me.” He held up the holoré again for emphasis.

Sara looked between his face and the stone and back again several times, horror and grief mounting in her eyes each time she did so. She closed her eyes after a few minutes, moving her lips in a silent prayer. When she opened them again, tears threatened to fall. “Janner,” she said, her voice trembling. “Please don’t tell me He’s asking you to meld with her, please don’t.”

Janner swallowed nervously, put the holoré back in his pocket, and got onto his knees in front of her, grasping both her hands in his own. “I won’t do it without your approval,” he whispered, reaching up to brush away one of her tears with his thumb. “I promise, I won’t. It’s not like it was thirteen years ago. I did it to protect Kalmar and it ended up giving so many life. I…you and I weren’t one then. I didn’t need consent from someone else. Not that I would have had time for it,” he couldn’t help but add. “But I have time now and I do need your consent now. Don’t rush it, though. Take the time to think about it. If your final answer is no,” — he struggled to say that and even finish the sentence, because to listen to Sara in the case would be to ignore the Maker’s instruction — “I won’t do it.”

She nodded, but tears were spilling down her cheeks. Janner felt his heart breaking and went to sit on the bed next to her, pulling her into his arms. There was a brief second when he thought she would push him away, but instead she hugged him tightly, burying her face in his shoulder. Janner moved his hand in concentric circles on her back.

“I promise, I’m not choosing right now,” he whispered after several minutes. “It’s your choice. It truly is your choice. I haven’t decided one way or the other.”

Sara shook her head but kept her face buried in his shoulder. “That’s n-not why I’m crying,” she said, her words muffled. She pulled back a little bit so she could look him in the eyes. “I’m crying b-because,” she took a shuddery breath. “Because in my heart I know you have to do it. And I know I have to say y-yes.”

Janner closed his eyes, one part of him grateful he would not have to worry about defying anyone (except Kalmar, perhaps), the other part grieved that Sara could not choose as she truly wanted. “I’m sorry,” he told her quietly, now fighting against tears of his own. “I’m so, so sorry. Maybe if I hadn’t harbored bitterness toward her for so long—”

“No,” she interrupted him, her voice still thick with tears. “This was always a part of His plan. Everything that led to this moment, this time, He always knew it would happen. If you hadn’t been so angry with her, she still would have given you the holoré and the Maker likely would have asked the same thing of you. After all, she had it before your prayer. The Maker convicted you to pray as you did because He already had an answer in place. It was always going to happen like this.”

Janner nodded. “I’ll do my best to come back,” he whispered. “I don’t want to leave you.”

“I know,” was Sara’s tear-filled, perfectly-trusting reply.

He was silent for a few moments. “It’s going to be soon. Kalmar said we’re putting it back the day after the Ball.”

“Just let me know before you do it,” she whispered, her blue eyes brimming with tears again. “And say goodbye to us, in case the worst happens.”

Janner nodded and held her tighter.

*****

Notes:

Poor Sara 😭

Also what's really crazy is that it's Good Friday and I'm working on writing the sacrifice chapter 0.0