In Hours of Grievous Hope: Ch. 4

Not Alone

Notes:

And we are finally making our way towards getting things done! I'm really sorry - I would have posted yesterday, but I was exhausted after spending the whole day riding rollercoasters at King's Dominion... 😅

*****

Almost as soon as Kalmar and Artham were able to awaken everyone and figure out seating arrangements on the Dragons, they were off. It was silently agreed upon that the poor blue dragon (who told Artham her name was Anvindyr*) did not need to be weighed down by anyone other than Oskar. As such, Leeli, Sara, and Nia rode on Hulwen, while Artham and Kalmar ended up with the green dragon, Hyrindale*. Kal did his best to take courage from his uncle’s clear discomfort and guilt and ignore his own at being so near Janner’s body.

“So, what exactly is the plan?” Leeli asked, raising her voice so she would be heard over the sound of the wind in their ears and the beating of the dragon's wings.

“We're looking for the First Well,” Kal replied loudly, trying his very hardest not to think about the fact that Janner’s body was just a few feet in front of him, uncomfortably close enough to where he could touch it.

It looked as though Leeli made an attempt to toss her head in frustration, but it failed and she ended up with a good deal of hair in her face and mouth. As she sputtered and Sara worked to help her put her hair in some sort of tie (Nia handed her a ribbon) so it would not happen again, Oskar yelled over the noise of everything. “In the words of Lord Wrindle, ‘I believe she was referring to the actual plan. Meaning the, “where are we going now?” and the “what are we doing after that?”’”

“Ohhh, got it.” Kal grinned, and Leeli, whose hair was not in her face and mouth anymore, smiled back. “We're going to Clovenfast,” he shouted, hoping everyone could hear. And if they couldn't, he wasn't quite sure what to do. “It's this ancient city in the middle of the Blackwood, and all the Cloven used to live there, and Arundelle was their Queen.”

That was the exact reason why he had chosen her to watch over Anniera while they were gone. Of course he had only made that choice after someone (meaning not him but Nia) had had the good sense to suggest designating someone to manage things in the moment before they left.

“But if we're trying to get to the First Well, why are we going there?” Nia asked, a hint of reluctance in her words. Kal wondered if it was because she disliked the notion of questioning the plan, she doubted the plan as a whole, or for a different reason he did not know.

“As a starting point,” he replied, craning his neck to look at her. The Grief in her dark eyes was almost unbearable, even from the distance that separated them, but he forced himself not to look away. “We found the First Well coming from Clovenfast. It's probably our best chance.”

Nia gave a half-hearted nod in response. “Remember, Kalmar,” she said gently, almost to the point at which he could not hear her. “There is no chance with the Maker. It's either His Will or not. And we have to accept it either way.”

Nodding, Kal did his best to make careful note of her words but found himself filing them away and bringing hope to the forefront. He didn't know if he could survive on anything else.

*****

Not until they reached the Blackwood did Kalmar feel his spirits wavering again. Well, it wasn’t exactly right then. It began after Hulwen, Anvindyr, and Hyrindale had left, after Artham had picked up the oddly shaped bundle that was Janner’s body and soon — he prayed — would be all of Janner once more, and after they had walked through the Blackwood for about five minutes. That was the point at which Kalmar found himself doubting, much to his shame and grief.

He didn’t want to doubt, he truly didn’t. But everything just mounted — the thought of everyone following him and trusting him to lead the way, the fact that Janner was dead because of him, the need to complete the Maker’s task that he had yet to learn the true nature of, and the truth that the First Well might not work — to the point at which it was utterly consuming. 

That was without even mentioning how alone he felt in the midst of so many people. Nia almost completely detached herself from reality, looking as though it took every part of her to keep herself moving forward (not that Kalmar blamed her; in the past few days, her father, former fiancee, and eldest son had all died). Leeli struggled between her need to grieve (he thought he could see it in her eyes) and her desire to keep Sara from feeling completely out of place from the rest of the family. Oskar spent his way looking this way and that, muttering to himself about who-knew-what, not really paying attention to where they were going (he tripped over a tree root every few minutes).

And Artham…Kalmar glanced longingly at the only one there with him he truly trusted to help and give sound advice. He wanted to rely on Artham more than anything. The way his eyes darted about the forest, trying their best to focus only on Janner and nothing else, the nervous flutter of his feathers, and the occasional Peet-like noise escaping his mouth told Kal something was wrong. He was scared that if he asked Artham anything, it would send him into a frenzy. Then he would be even more alone, more afraid, and more dependent on himself—

And Me, a gentle yet stern Voice. You can depend on Me. Please, depend on Me. You must depend on Me. But when the time comes, trust them as well. 

“Yes, Sir,” Kal whispered, low enough that no one else could hear. He shifted the weight of his pack on his back, reminded once again that an unknown task lay before him. “And thank You,” he added, a bit of a smile crossing his face. 

They paused and took a break after a few hours of walking, because even though their pace was easy and their mission was one founded on hope, grief, responsibility, uncertainty, and fear weighed them down. Kalmar purposely positioned himself away from everyone else, partially because he was confused in terms of why they hadn’t reached Clovenfast yet, and also because he wanted to mull over what exactly he was doing out there with an Ancient Stone strapped to his back and no idea as to what to do next.

Everyone else was clustered together for the most part, Oskar sitting on a rock and writing something in a journal, Leeli and Sara together in the grass, appearing as though they were talking quietly while the former looked at him every so often and the latter stole glances at the wrapped bundle laid on dry ground as tenderly as possible, Nia leaning against a tree trunk, her head bowed an her hands folded in prayer, and Artham standing guard over all of them, still twitching nervously but being sure to keep a close eye on everyone.

Sighing, Kalmar turned his thoughts away from everyone and to the Ancient Stone. The Maker hadn’t told him anything more since that night, so maybe he could use some sort of logic to figure out what he was supposed to do with it. He didn’t like thinking very hard or about things that worried him (that was always Janner’s job), but he figured that he didn’t have that many options. 

How to begin thinking about it and trying to figure something out was the first step, of course. He supposed he could start with what exactly the Ancient Stones were used for. Well, melding, for starters. What else is there? They did make good lanterns, but that was more of a practical use, not anything the Maker would want. Drawing nothing more than that from his musings that were surprisingly intelligent up to that point (he was actually pretty proud of himself), Kal moved on to what that meant. If the Maker had asked him to get a Stone and rescue the Lost, simple logic (if his logic was right) stated that—

“Kal, are you sure you know which way you’re going?” Leeli popped into his sight unexpectedly, her wooden crutch making no noise on the soft grass.

“What?” Kal blinked himself out of his thoughts that were starting to get productive. 

“I said, ‘are you sure you know which way you're going?’” she repeated. “Because you look really confused. And kind of sad.”

“Well,” he stammered. “I mean…we’re all sad, aren't we?”

Leeli nodded, and the beginnings of a tear appeared at the corner of one eye. “Yes, but you look like you need help.”

“Um,” Kalmar looked around, desperate to keep her from realizing just how lost he was. He didn't have confidence in anything he was doing and knew it was foolish to cling to the shred of hope that he knew where they were and that he could navigate them to Clovenfast, but he couldn't help it. If he couldn't get them to a place as towering and enormous as that, how would he ever lead them to the First Well? “I…I think this is the way we came before. I think I can find it.”

Leeli pursed her lips out of uncertainty, and almost as if it was a planned cue, Sara came over.

“What if you ask Artham for help?” she offered, an unexpected note of confidence in her voice. “He might be able to fly ahead and search for this…Clovenfast. It could distract him from…everything.” Sadness returned to her tone at those words, and it looked as though a shadow of grief passed over her face.

“Maybe,” Kalmar replied a little absentmindedly, not so much because he was ignoring her but because he was surprised regarding two things: one: she had noticed how unsettled Artham was; and two: her demeanor had completely changed when she mentioned Janner's death. He hadn’t been there right when she and a very large number of children had arrived on the Enramere (he had been preoccupied with some question or another from somebody he could not remember the name of), and for the first time he found himself wondering what her reaction had been to the terrible news. And he was wondering how much Janner had really meant to her.

It appeared as though she grew impatient and took his “maybe” as a “yes,” for it was not until Kal had finished thinking that he realized she had already moved to stand beside Artham and was suggesting to him the same thing she had just voiced.

Kalmar stared blankly for a moment, wondering why he couldn’t hear what was being said until he remembered that with human ears, such low whispers as were being used in the conversation could not be heard as well as with wolf ears.

He could watch, though, and he saw flickerings of confusion and near panic crossing over Artham’s face and the way his taloned-hands twisted and turned out of terror. It was not until his wings began shifting like he was about to fly away out of fear that Kalmar felt a need to step in (what he could do he certainly did not know, but so far Sara had just kept standing there not doing anything, and certainly something was better than nothing), and he nearly did. When he began moving toward them, though, he felt Leeli’s hand grasping his forearm. Whipping around to face her, he saw her shaking her head and whispering, “Wait.”

“Why?” he demanded. “Uncle Artham's about to fly off, and I need him!”

“It's okay, Kal,” she soothed. “Look.”

Turning his attention back to Sara and Artham, he saw that his uncle’s franticness from earlier had died away, and that…that they were hugging. A few moments later, Sara grasped Artham's hands, and then he nodded, spread his wings, and took off into the sky.

Kalmar yelped involuntarily. “Wait, where's he going?!” What was he going to do without either of his Throne Wardens?

“He’s just looking,” Sara replied, coming over to them, a gentle smile on her face. “He’s keeping us in sight so he knows we’re safe, but he’s searching for Clovenfast at the same time.”

“Oh…um, thanks, Sara. Thanks a lot actually.” He reached up to scratch the back of his head awkwardly and watched as she nodded in response before walking away to sit beside Janner’s body, still wrapped in cloth.

Though he was looking at his deceased brother and Artham, the one person there he had really been counting on, was gone, Kalmar felt relief spreading through his entire body. 

“I’m not alone,” he whispered, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

“Well of course not!” Leeli threw her arms around his neck, her crutch falling to the ground. “We’re all walking together, Kal. You’re not alone, I promise.”

“Thanks,” he said softly, hugging her back, wondering if she grasped the amount of sincerity and emotion behind that one word.

*****

Notes:

Name Meanings! :D (C&P from a "Fantasy Names" website)

Anvindyr - whispers of wind and adventure

Hyrindale - a valley of dreams where the impossible becomes reality

Artham's discomfort riding on the same dragon as Janner's body and then his immediate willingness and even comfort in carrying Janner's body seems contradictory, I know, but part of it is that he simply doesn't know what to do. Another part is that he is putting Esben's request to "keep them safe" ahead of his reluctance to before what he might want. And deep down, he really does want to be near his favorite nephew 😭 (perhaps it's just my headcanon that Janner is his favorite nephew...but either way!)

The interaction between Artham and Sara was meant to be one where I'm just bringing back the closeness between them that came about as a result of the time they spent in Dugtown^^ She is the one who suggested that he go searching, and she's also the one who clearly laid out the plan, "You can look, but you can stay close so you can keep us safe."