In Hours of Grievous Hope: Ch. 7

Remnants of Love

Notes:

This chapter covers something that has been asked about...and is actually rather sad in my opinion😢

*****

“Mama,” Kal said softly, after knocking on the door that likely led to a bedroom. It was a decently large home with two stories and three bedrooms, only one of which had shut its door. Since he had checked the entire building from top to bottom and had never seen anyone come out, Nia had to be in there. “Can…will you open the door?”

There was a quiet rustling from the other side before the door was opened wide, revealing Nia standing there smiling even though her eyes were deep pools of sadness.

“Of course, Kalmar,” she replied before unexpectedly pulling him into a hug. “Oh, I'm sorry.” She whispered. “You know I love you, don’t you? I wasn't there for you yesterday or today and…will you forgive me?”

The grief in her voice broke Kal’s heart. “Mama, of course I forgive you! I…but I don't have anything to forgive you for, do I?” He checked briefly before shaking his head. “No, no there's nothing.”

“But I haven't been there for you, and I'm your mother. That is wrong of me.” There was a certainty and firmness in her words, and Kalmar guessed he wasn't going to be able to convince her otherwise.

Alright, then. I'll figure something else out. “You might think that,” he conceded. “But with everyone we've lost in the past few days, Grandpa, Rudric, and Janner, I…I think it makes sense. It doesn't bother me.”

Nia shook her head, and as much as Kal hoped it was in defeat, he doubted it. “Enough about that. What was it you wanted, Kalmar? Did you want to come in?”

“Um, not really.” Taking a breath, he started with the easy part. “Leeli and Sara put this together for you,” he said as he handed her the little parcel of dried diggle meat and fruit. 

He waited until after she had whispered a quiet thank you and taken the food from him before continuing. “And there's something I want to show you. Maybe both you and Leeli. I think it's something you'd like to see.”

A flicker of hesitation peppered Nia's eyes. “Artham isn't here, though. And I would rather not leave Janner alone. I know…I know he's not really there, but still.” Her voice trailed off, the unsaid words dangling aimlessly in the air.

An idea popped into Kal's head. “Well, what if Sara stays with him?” he suggested. “And Oskar is here. Plus, I think we're safe here in Clovenfast. No one is going to come and hurt us.”

Nia still looked doubtful, but didn't appear as though she objected to the idea of Sara staying with Janner. “How do you know it's safe?”

He shrugged in response. “I don't know. But I feel like it's safe. I feel like the Maker is keeping us safe. No one is going to hurt us.”

“Alright,” she consented, glancing behind her. “Just…let’s not take too long away from everyone else, alright? At this point I feel bad staying away from the rest of the family for any longer,” she said with a small smile.

*****

“Leeli, dear,” Nia said gently once they reached the two girls, sitting in the clearing and talking quietly. “Kalmar wants to show us something. Would you like to come?”

Sara and Leeli both stopped talking immediately and looked up at her, and just the look in their eyes was one becoming all too familiar. Kal had seen that look so many times the day before and even when he hadn’t seen it, he had felt it. They were desperate for someone to give them an answer or guidance, and they looked to Nia for that. He had been exposed it to a bit over the past few months, but having such a level of intensity, of such dependence, trained on him had been a rarity. He felt sorry for Nia, having to deal with something like that when she was grieving. It just seemed wrong. Would there ever be a time to mourn?

“Of course but,” she glanced at Sara uneasily. “What will Sara do? Can she come?”

Sara shook her head. “No, it’s alright. I can stay here. Whatever this is…it’s for you, not me.”

Kal felt horrendously guilty hearing those words; why hadn’t he thought about the fact that bringing both Nia and Leeli would exclude her? She probably already felt alien enough in their close-knit family, and he had only made her feel worse. It didn’t matter that Nia was going to ask her to stay with Janner as per his suggestion: he was still separating her from the rest of them. It wasn’t as though she would really understand what they were going to see, but still. He could have at least waited until Artham came back so she could talk with someone. Oskar was always an option, he supposed.

Nia smiled at Sara, a genuine, adoring smile that somehow brushed away Kalmar’s worries. “I appreciate your willingness, but I was hoping you could stay with Janner, if you don’t mind.”

A confusing mixture of joy and grief flooded into Sara’s eyes, and she nodded. “I’d love to,” she whispered.

Resting her hand on Sara’s shoulder, Nia looked at her lovingly. “I know.”

After Kal made sure Oskar was aware of where they would be (that was, away briefly) and Nia made certain Sara would be alright, Kalmar led the way out to the back portion of Clovenfast, through the colony of falling-down lean-tos, all the way to the place where the wild ones had lived. He had half expected to see at least a few clustered around the vine-and-brush-covered path, but there were none. None, at least, came close, likely alerted by the sound of Leeli’s crutch tapping on the ground and occasional rock that people were around and seeking shelter was in their favor. 

Kalmar wished it wasn’t so. The feeling of the Ancient Stone resting against his back urged him onward toward his task, almost distracting him from both the reason the family thought they were in the Blackwood that stretched to the foot of Mount Throg and the reason they were in the wild place of Clovenfast.

He couldn’t allow himself to be distracted by anything like that, not now. Showing Nia the only remnants of her husband left on Aerwiar were perhaps the most important thing in the world at that moment, and he desperately wanted to focus solely on that. 

A few forest-shadowed minutes later, the expertly illustrated rocks sheltered by thick, overhanging branches loomed ahead of them. Rather, it felt to Kalmar that it loomed ahead because he knew what it was, where it was, and who had lived in it. To Nia and Leeli, it likely seemed as though it was simply another rocky overhang amidst the vast clutter of trees, underbrush, vines, and stone. 

“We’re almost there,” Kal announced quietly, unwilling to shatter the silence of the place anymore than they themselves were already doing so. He  wondered if he should have found a way to bring some sort of lantern so they could see; it likely would have been beneficial. He was almost certain they had something of the sort in their packs back with everything else, as the others were much smarter in terms of packing things they needed than he was. Granted, he was carrying something the Maker had asked him to bring: the broken Ancient Stone. 

He wondered briefly if it would be alright if they used it as a light; it would be so much better than having to squint to see Esben’s charcoal drawings. An odd feeling sparked inside of him, and the gentle whisper, wait, drifted through his mind. That was it, then. It would not be used as a light showing his mother and sister something heart-wrenching: it would only be used for the Maker’s purpose. 

They were at the mouth of the cave by that point and Kal stopped walking, hearing the tap of Leeli’s crutch cease just a second later. 

“Kal, what is it?” Leeli asked, looking a bit perplexed. 

He nodded toward the ornamented stones. With the light that managed to seep through the dense forest leaves and branches, he could make out the faint traces of the sketches from where they stood. “What I want both of you to see — it’s on the sides of those rocks.” 

Leeli peered in the direction that he pointed quizzically, but by the look on her face, she didn’t get it.

“What exactly are you showing us, Kalmar?” Nia said while glancing at him in confusion. 

Kal scratched the back of his head sheepishly. “I mean, you have to get closer to see it. It’s,” he took a breath before continuing. “This is where Papa stayed before he came to the Green Hollows. Those rocks were his sketchbook, and he drew pictures of us on the walls. Especially you, Mama,” he added, his throat tight. “But…um, I kind of forgot to get a lantern so—”

“I have a snot-wax candle and matches Mister Reteep gave me,” Leeli interrupted, her face shining with eagerness, and she pulled them out of her pocket. “Mama, please come see,” she added, reaching for Nia’s hand.

Shifting his gaze toward his mother, Kal saw the rawest grief, love, longing, and despair painted across every aspect of her face, and he suddenly felt guilty. Why had he thought it would be a good idea to take Nia to see something like this, to re-open wounds of grief that were barely healed when she was already torn and bleeding from so many?

“Mama, I’m sorry,” he whispered, digging his hands into his pockets and staring at the ground, unable to look at her. “I didn’t think. I shouldn’t have—”

“No,” she murmured back, her voice thick with tears. “It’s alright. Yes, Leeli. Let’s go. Here; I’ll take the candle and matches.”

Kalmar raised his head and watched as mother and daughter slipped into the cave and the candle lit with a tiny sputter. A gasp came from both of them, followed by silence. He didn’t want to get any closer, but when Nia fell to her knees, he could imagine her running her finger along each stroke of Esben’s artwork. 

He knew when she reached the sketch of Janner, because that was when a strangled sob escaped from deep inside of her, and she began weeping. Leeli hugged her tightly, at which point she faced Kalmar. He could see her eyes, bright blue and shining with tears that trickled down her cheeks.

It was quite a while before either of them stood, but when they did, Kal quickly dashed his tears away, not wanting them to know he had cried as well. 

Somehow Nia still noticed though, and when she and Leeli reached him, she made sure to immediately pull him into a tight embrace. “Thank you, Kalmar,” she whispered. “Thank you. And it will be alright, eventually it will be.”

Nodding, he buried his face into her shoulder, feeling fresh tears welling up in his eyes. Oh, thank the Maker she did not know the source of his tears! It was not because of Janner’s death, nor Esben’s. It was because of what he was going to do to her, and he couldn’t stand himself because of it.

*****

Notes:

So this ended up being a sad encounter with Esben's artwork 😢 I know it was lovely and heartwarming in the previous AtE but a) I wanted to try out a different reaction and b) considering the context in which Nia is seeing the drawings... crying is inevitable.

Let me know if there was anything noncanonical^^